Not more than two hours after I posted my last journal entry my phone rang with the familiar OU Cancer Institute 405 number. I answered quickly and heard my Gyn-Onc say that my last pap test came back showing abnormal glandular cells. What? I couldn't believe she was telling me this because my letter in the mail the week before said everything came back fine. I asked her to clarify and then....my cell phone died! My mind whirling, I ran to find my charger and Billy and I stood and watched the slow moving bar creep across the screen to reboot my phone. By the time it came up I had two voice mails from the doctor and I couldn't call her back because the office was closed.
Her voicemail said that because of my history and the fact that I had a glandular cancer I needed to come in and have a culposcopy. This really knocked Billy and I off our feat that night and thankfully we were surrounded by an amazing community group that did a great job listening and encouraging us to face the next step of this journey. I did not want to tell anyone, but especially my family. I was so worried it would knock them off their feet as well, but they were really positive too!
I faced my next Scan on Nov 15th as planned and thanks to lots of prayer the blood draw and the I.V went in the very first time.Although my kidney function was a little low they were able to perform both scans. I came out of my scans to find my husband, parents, sister and nephew holding beautiful purple signs with words like "faith" and "endurance" written on them. Next we met my brother and they treated me to breakfast out. My family never ceases to amaze me; they can make me feel special always! I'll share what else they did for me on the 15th soon as well. AMAZING!
Yesterday was my culposcopy date. While getting ready at the hotel a song came to mind as usual, but it wasn't the song I wanted. A few days ago the song, "One day at a time Sweet Jesus" was in my mind, but this day an encouraging song wouldn't come. I kept singing the song "When I die Young, lay me in the river". I knew this was Satan; Satan would know God always gives me a good song so I know he's there. As I checked in at the OU Hospital to have my culposcopy I was not wanting to do yet another procedure. Everyone was so kind and tried very hard to keep me comfortable and Billy thought it was way too routine for our age. My IV took a couple tries and really hurt, but I kept thinking "My suffering is so much less than your Jesus".
The doctor did the procedure and got biopsies where the cancer was before, inside and outside of the cervix and scraped the inside of the uterus. Initial reads on last week's scan were good. The "hot" spots around where my ovaries where were less "hot" indicating that it was not cancer, but most likely just inflammation remaining from treatment. The doctor will give me her thoughts on the scan when she calls with the biopsy results next week. I'm looking forward to this call so we can move forward with our life.
I am feeling pretty good today and I'm so thankful as I really didn't want to backslide too much with another surgery. I'm happily at my sister's house in Texas for Thanksgiving and will update you when I know more next week!
Thank you so much for everyone's prayers and good wishes! Our week took an unexpected turn, but we are grateful for good doctors and great friends and family! We have much to be thankful for!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
God does have a sense of humor!
Last night my son and I worked on a school project for his 4th grade class. He was to do a timeline of his life from 2001 through 2011. He wrote out when he was born (2002) and when his cousin was born (Breck, 2003), when his sister was born, when he began preschool and when our house burned down! (all 2006) He went to kindergarten (2007), his cousin fell out of he 2nd story bedroom window on the concrete (2008), his sister split her head open (2009) and that his mom was diagnosed with cancer (2011) and he got to begin tackle football.
All this printed out like it was no big deal!!! I sure hope that he keeps this "child-like" faith throughout his life. What a lot of crazy things for a 9 year old to see as big symbols of his life so far. The most humorous part was that we needed pictures drawn or glued on to identify each of these historical events. He had to draw something for all of the tragic events until he got to my cancer diagnosis. He wanted to choose a picture of me from my facebook cancer folder.
I ask him if he wanted this one taken after my sister fixed me all up for Alyssa's birthday party. I thought it would be a good one to post on a school project.
He said, no way. You look all pretty and healthy there. I want this one instead. It looks more like a cancer picture. I wish he didn't know that.
I'll go visit this place again this next Tuesday. As crazy as it seems, the doctor called today and asked to move my appointment to Tuesday morning. I think God has a sense of humor because as I've been dreading Tuesday as an emotional day, he is now going to have me go have a scan done to PROVE the cancer is gone on the exact day the doctor told me I HAD cancer last year. Okay God, I know you are in control! I'm counting on adding a line in Isaiah's timeline next year that says "Mom found out she was cancer free!" I wonder what picture he'll choose to represent that?!?
All this printed out like it was no big deal!!! I sure hope that he keeps this "child-like" faith throughout his life. What a lot of crazy things for a 9 year old to see as big symbols of his life so far. The most humorous part was that we needed pictures drawn or glued on to identify each of these historical events. He had to draw something for all of the tragic events until he got to my cancer diagnosis. He wanted to choose a picture of me from my facebook cancer folder.
I ask him if he wanted this one taken after my sister fixed me all up for Alyssa's birthday party. I thought it would be a good one to post on a school project.
He said, no way. You look all pretty and healthy there. I want this one instead. It looks more like a cancer picture. I wish he didn't know that.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
November 9th: They Day It All Began
Today is November 9th. A day like most others. It falls on a Wednesday this year, so it began like most other days. My first awake moments were spent trying to sleep for 9 more minutes between snooze on my bedside alarm. Before opening my eyes I easily found my robe and slippers and made my way to the kids bedrooms to wake them and ready them for school. I was ready and the kids were off to school so I spent a few moments talking with Billy before I rushed out the door to the office. The day began so quickly that it took me a few moments to remember the date. I'm not sure why as I've been thinking about it and the playing it over in my mind for the last few weeks. I'm sure you've had those dates, when something happened that you'll never forget. I have several in the month of November actually. November 1st is a great day, where I've celebrated my husbands birthday with him for 16 years. November 4th we awoke to a house fire in the middle of the night. I found out I was pregnant with our first child Nov 12th. I've had multiple surgeries in November and my Nephew was sheltered by a mere screen when falling two stories from a window onto a concrete driveway. So many dates, but for this purpose I'm focused on November 9th....today.
One year ago Billy and I walked into the hospital to have a quick procedure done. My trusted doctor of many years was going to remove a vaginal lesion in hopes it would make me more comfortable and fix some minor symptoms. My doctor was not concerned and didn't believe Billy and I should be either. for those of you that know my husband, Billy is constantly "concerned" when it comes to illness or medical procedures! I remember laying on the pre-surgery bed in my fashionable gown with and IV taped to my arm and Billy looking at my as if I were the most adorable thing on earth. He was worried about me and being the stubborn woman I am, I chose to make light of the situation and hold his hand as I made jokes and relished in laughing with him in our private room of white curtains. I actually remember it as a sweet time knowing we'd been through several surgeries together already, all mine of course. Everything always turned out fine and I had no reason to think this one would not.
Little did we know our life was quickly going to turn a corner that would be both beautiful and extremely ugly at the same time. I would be barely recovered from my surgery to be called to my doctor's office for a personal review of the pathology results. November 9th cancer was partially removed from my body and so the journey of hope would begin.
In light of it all, God was so in charge. He was already miles ahead of me preparing the way so that I would see Him in all my days ahead.
"Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to shom we are accountable." Hebrews 4:13
"You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." Psalms 139:16
As the first anniversary of this journey is here, I've told my stubborn mind to focus only on the constant provisions that were in place for myself and for my family. The provisions that are still in place as we fight to get back to a sense of normal, while still dealing with appointments and symptoms that constantly remind us life is not the same.
Please continue to pray as this month brings up many emotions and remembrances for me. All at the time when my remaining and unseen symptoms sometimes want to overwhelm me. Pray as I will have new scans next Monday and we pray that the activity seen in June is now gone and that there is nothing else to be seen.
"Let them all praise the name of the Lord. For his name is very great; his glory towers over the earth and heaven! He has made his people strong, honoring his faithful ones - " Ps 148:13-14
Lord, may I be faithful....
One year ago Billy and I walked into the hospital to have a quick procedure done. My trusted doctor of many years was going to remove a vaginal lesion in hopes it would make me more comfortable and fix some minor symptoms. My doctor was not concerned and didn't believe Billy and I should be either. for those of you that know my husband, Billy is constantly "concerned" when it comes to illness or medical procedures! I remember laying on the pre-surgery bed in my fashionable gown with and IV taped to my arm and Billy looking at my as if I were the most adorable thing on earth. He was worried about me and being the stubborn woman I am, I chose to make light of the situation and hold his hand as I made jokes and relished in laughing with him in our private room of white curtains. I actually remember it as a sweet time knowing we'd been through several surgeries together already, all mine of course. Everything always turned out fine and I had no reason to think this one would not.
Little did we know our life was quickly going to turn a corner that would be both beautiful and extremely ugly at the same time. I would be barely recovered from my surgery to be called to my doctor's office for a personal review of the pathology results. November 9th cancer was partially removed from my body and so the journey of hope would begin.
In light of it all, God was so in charge. He was already miles ahead of me preparing the way so that I would see Him in all my days ahead.
"Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to shom we are accountable." Hebrews 4:13
"You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." Psalms 139:16
As the first anniversary of this journey is here, I've told my stubborn mind to focus only on the constant provisions that were in place for myself and for my family. The provisions that are still in place as we fight to get back to a sense of normal, while still dealing with appointments and symptoms that constantly remind us life is not the same.
Please continue to pray as this month brings up many emotions and remembrances for me. All at the time when my remaining and unseen symptoms sometimes want to overwhelm me. Pray as I will have new scans next Monday and we pray that the activity seen in June is now gone and that there is nothing else to be seen.
"Let them all praise the name of the Lord. For his name is very great; his glory towers over the earth and heaven! He has made his people strong, honoring his faithful ones - " Ps 148:13-14
Lord, may I be faithful....
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
A Masterpeice
Exhilarating. Overwhelming. Thankful. Frustrating. Peaceful. Anxious.
These conflicting words represent my time since my last post. It's been so long I feel I have a lot of things to say, but there is no way to cram it all into one post.
To say that this summer was amazing would be an understatement. I so wanted to LIVE and EXPERIENCE that I pushed myself to seize the moment, but did very little of what I typically do during summer. I love keeping up my gardens and my deck and patio. I tend to jump into Fall decorating as soon as August 1st rolls around and I know my neighbors won't stare oddly at my fall leaves and pumpkins in the 90 degree weather. Somehow this summer, though full of great "moments", was not filled with normal quite yet. However, I've asked myself if the previous "normal" is what I really want back. Some of it, absolutely! Like my full energy and endurance, fewer aches and pains, perhaps the lack of hot flashes and other menopausal type symptoms! Yet, in other ways the old "normal" may not be what I want at all.
I met a group of ladies recently that shared their incredible cancer journeys with me. I'll keep the details of their stories private, but one common thread was shared among all women, no matter what type of cancer she had. There was a new "normal" and albeit it be one that includes new aches, pains and annoyances; it is also one that is full of a new appreciation for authenticity. It's one that is amazed at God's presence in times of trouble and how personal and intimate He can be. It is a soul that longs to feel that closeness to God again; a closeness you only feel when you need to be cradled and carried by our Savior. The new normal wants to hug on our children more often, love our husbands more openly, appreciate our family and friends always. These are all good changes I don't want to give back.
Earlier this summer I stood in a Colorado meadow looking out at the most beautiful crystal lake nestled in the mountains. There were wild flowers blooming all over the mountainside and the sun was shining just perfectly creating a 360 degree masterpiece. It took my breath away to witness how God took such care in creating this view with the perfect blend of colors, textures and depth so that nothing worked alone, but instead complimented everything else around it. The boldly colored wild flowers might have been overpowering without the soft hue of gray and deep green surrounding it through foliage. Our bodies are the same way, with each specific part complimenting the other so that all together God created a unique masterpiece in each one of us. One that again takes my breath away as I learn all the intricate details of my cells, blood vessels, lymph nodes, joints and muscles. It is amazing how when one part is damaged the symptoms signify the toll taken on all the others.
I had my 6 month check-up yesterday and as I spewed out all my various symptoms I laughed because I really don't feel like I'm doing that bad! The doctor actually said she was glad I was impatiently wanting to get back to normal and that there were things she could recommend to help. Thank goodness!
Here are some symptoms I shared and what my sweet doctors are doing to help.
These conflicting words represent my time since my last post. It's been so long I feel I have a lot of things to say, but there is no way to cram it all into one post.
To say that this summer was amazing would be an understatement. I so wanted to LIVE and EXPERIENCE that I pushed myself to seize the moment, but did very little of what I typically do during summer. I love keeping up my gardens and my deck and patio. I tend to jump into Fall decorating as soon as August 1st rolls around and I know my neighbors won't stare oddly at my fall leaves and pumpkins in the 90 degree weather. Somehow this summer, though full of great "moments", was not filled with normal quite yet. However, I've asked myself if the previous "normal" is what I really want back. Some of it, absolutely! Like my full energy and endurance, fewer aches and pains, perhaps the lack of hot flashes and other menopausal type symptoms! Yet, in other ways the old "normal" may not be what I want at all.
I met a group of ladies recently that shared their incredible cancer journeys with me. I'll keep the details of their stories private, but one common thread was shared among all women, no matter what type of cancer she had. There was a new "normal" and albeit it be one that includes new aches, pains and annoyances; it is also one that is full of a new appreciation for authenticity. It's one that is amazed at God's presence in times of trouble and how personal and intimate He can be. It is a soul that longs to feel that closeness to God again; a closeness you only feel when you need to be cradled and carried by our Savior. The new normal wants to hug on our children more often, love our husbands more openly, appreciate our family and friends always. These are all good changes I don't want to give back.
Earlier this summer I stood in a Colorado meadow looking out at the most beautiful crystal lake nestled in the mountains. There were wild flowers blooming all over the mountainside and the sun was shining just perfectly creating a 360 degree masterpiece. It took my breath away to witness how God took such care in creating this view with the perfect blend of colors, textures and depth so that nothing worked alone, but instead complimented everything else around it. The boldly colored wild flowers might have been overpowering without the soft hue of gray and deep green surrounding it through foliage. Our bodies are the same way, with each specific part complimenting the other so that all together God created a unique masterpiece in each one of us. One that again takes my breath away as I learn all the intricate details of my cells, blood vessels, lymph nodes, joints and muscles. It is amazing how when one part is damaged the symptoms signify the toll taken on all the others.
I had my 6 month check-up yesterday and as I spewed out all my various symptoms I laughed because I really don't feel like I'm doing that bad! The doctor actually said she was glad I was impatiently wanting to get back to normal and that there were things she could recommend to help. Thank goodness!
Here are some symptoms I shared and what my sweet doctors are doing to help.
· Water retention and lack of circulation/ lymph nodes in the groin area feel “bark-like” – Provided me with some massage and stretching techniques to do 3-4 times each week to help move the fluid through my lymph node system where some glands are not working properly due to external beam radiation.
· Hip and muscle pain – Referred me to a physical therapist to learn some exercises and stretches that may help strengthen and loosen up this area after radiation.
· As mentioned my cancer was very hormonally driven (74% estrogen cells in the lesion removed) and I’m also struggling with menopausal weight gain and water weight – Referred me to a nutritionist to help understand what to eat/drink more or less of and the impact it may have on all aspects/symptoms.
· I’ve had some very light bleeding with use of the dilator and the doctors found two dark spots on the back 1/3 of the Vaginal wall and one dark spot on the cervix. Both doctors believe this looks like new blood vessels that are developing in the tissue as everything heals. However, they took a biopsy of the one on the cervix so we know for sure what they are. They will call with these results when they get them.
· As mentioned my cancer was very hormonally driven (74% estrogen cells in the lesion removed) and I’m also struggling with menopausal weight gain and water weight – Referred me to a nutritionist to help understand what to eat/drink more or less of and the impact it may have on all aspects/symptoms.
· I’ve had some very light bleeding with use of the dilator and the doctors found two dark spots on the back 1/3 of the Vaginal wall and one dark spot on the cervix. Both doctors believe this looks like new blood vessels that are developing in the tissue as everything heals. However, they took a biopsy of the one on the cervix so we know for sure what they are. They will call with these results when they get them.
· I’m having pain in my upper abdomen and there is also a small area of activity that showed up on my last scan in late June. They believe the pain could be scar tissue and or adhesions caused from the radiation and various surgeries. They believe the scan activity is post operation inflammation. However, they are scheduling my next scan and will get to me with the dates later this week. I will have my scans done locally.
I feel blessed to have some suggestions as I continue to take daily steps forward in this "new" normal! God knows all about this masterpiece and exactly what I need! He created it after all!
I feel blessed to have some suggestions as I continue to take daily steps forward in this "new" normal! God knows all about this masterpiece and exactly what I need! He created it after all!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Scan Results - June 29th
It has been several weeks and every time I sit to write on this blog I have absolutely no words. I've found it frustrating and disturbing. For now I will just share my first words written in a notebook when the doctor called June 29th to share the good results of my scan.
"I find that in this moment the realness of the situation settles in. I find that I can't shut off the tears. Why would I cry in a happy moment as this? It's the undeserved grace and gift that I've been given. It's the fact that God CHOSE to heal me, for now at least. I have done nothing to deserve this and I'm humbled that I have been given a gift that so many are not given. Why?"
"I find that in this moment the realness of the situation settles in. I find that I can't shut off the tears. Why would I cry in a happy moment as this? It's the undeserved grace and gift that I've been given. It's the fact that God CHOSE to heal me, for now at least. I have done nothing to deserve this and I'm humbled that I have been given a gift that so many are not given. Why?"
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Scan Update
Our first day back from vacation Billy and I woke up early and began the familiar 40 minute drive to the oncology offices we were frequenting daily during my treatment. The drive was quite because we were tired, but also because there were not words for this moment.
As I've mentioned my nerves have not been high while waiting for this day, but on the eve of the scan in the dark of our bedroom we both laid awake much longer than usual. My family and friends supported me as they always have with words of encouragement nestled around scriptures and written prayers. After reading these things on my phone Billy and I were hand in hand as he prayed and we drifted to sleep.
I was the first patient Tuesday morning, which ended up being good for a couple of reasons. First, I didn't have time to think about anything once I arrived, and secondly the lobby was empty. If you've sat in the lobby of an oncology office it can be both a nervous and heartbreaking experience as there are people there in all stages of their cancer journey. Some nervously waiting for their results and treatment plan and other visibly not feeling well during treatment. I find that I want to know these people's stories and I want to encourage them somehow, but everyone sits quietly thinking of their own situation. I was ushered back so quickly this day it wouldn't have mattered, except for the clear reminder to where I was.
I was so happy to find that the doctor didn't require another CT scan so I didn't have to drink that horrible slimy drink. The PET scan requires that I have an IV, which had been very difficult after chemo began. I prayed specifically that they would get it in on the first try and that it would drip. Sure enough, it hurt as they fed it into the vein, but it was done in one try and I was instantly relieved. Saline, radioactive sugars, more saline and then I sat in my recliner for 45 minutes as the fluids made their way through my body. After a required trip to the bathroom I laid down with my arms above my head for the scan. The next thing I knew a man was telling me he'd help me up and that we were all done. Prayers were answered as I was so calm I fell asleep.
The images are being sent to all my doctors and I should have a follow up appointment very soon. I will update when I know more, but for now here are some of the very encouraging words sent to me. I hope they will encourage you as well.
Is. 46 "Even in your old age and gray hairs I am He. I am He who will sustain you. I have mad you and I will carry you through. I will sustain you and I will rescue you." He is going to sustain you and carry you through to old age and gray hairs!
"May your healing hand be upon Kristi and may the results bring cheers of gladness when these tests show she is cancer free! Thank you for your goodness in the midst of the storm."
"You have a lot of love walking with you! Praying peace of mind for you soon. Praying with you to hear cancer free!"
Phil 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Praying this peace finds you and you are comforted. You will walk away from this a stronger and bolder woman and will be a huge testimony for others. We will be partying and praising our heavenly father soon.
"I prayed from 6:40 - 7:00 this morning that you will walk away from this free from any cancer cells and that God will use this battle in your life to help and encourage others in their walk with Him."
Jer. 33:6 "Behold I will bring health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them abundance and peace." Father I pray this over Kristi and Billy. Grant her a cancer free life and may they take this experience and live the abundant life you have for them according to your purposes and always for your glory!
As I've mentioned my nerves have not been high while waiting for this day, but on the eve of the scan in the dark of our bedroom we both laid awake much longer than usual. My family and friends supported me as they always have with words of encouragement nestled around scriptures and written prayers. After reading these things on my phone Billy and I were hand in hand as he prayed and we drifted to sleep.
I was the first patient Tuesday morning, which ended up being good for a couple of reasons. First, I didn't have time to think about anything once I arrived, and secondly the lobby was empty. If you've sat in the lobby of an oncology office it can be both a nervous and heartbreaking experience as there are people there in all stages of their cancer journey. Some nervously waiting for their results and treatment plan and other visibly not feeling well during treatment. I find that I want to know these people's stories and I want to encourage them somehow, but everyone sits quietly thinking of their own situation. I was ushered back so quickly this day it wouldn't have mattered, except for the clear reminder to where I was.
I was so happy to find that the doctor didn't require another CT scan so I didn't have to drink that horrible slimy drink. The PET scan requires that I have an IV, which had been very difficult after chemo began. I prayed specifically that they would get it in on the first try and that it would drip. Sure enough, it hurt as they fed it into the vein, but it was done in one try and I was instantly relieved. Saline, radioactive sugars, more saline and then I sat in my recliner for 45 minutes as the fluids made their way through my body. After a required trip to the bathroom I laid down with my arms above my head for the scan. The next thing I knew a man was telling me he'd help me up and that we were all done. Prayers were answered as I was so calm I fell asleep.
The images are being sent to all my doctors and I should have a follow up appointment very soon. I will update when I know more, but for now here are some of the very encouraging words sent to me. I hope they will encourage you as well.
Is. 46 "Even in your old age and gray hairs I am He. I am He who will sustain you. I have mad you and I will carry you through. I will sustain you and I will rescue you." He is going to sustain you and carry you through to old age and gray hairs!
"May your healing hand be upon Kristi and may the results bring cheers of gladness when these tests show she is cancer free! Thank you for your goodness in the midst of the storm."
"You have a lot of love walking with you! Praying peace of mind for you soon. Praying with you to hear cancer free!"
 |
| Waiting for radioactive fluids to move thru my body. |
"I prayed from 6:40 - 7:00 this morning that you will walk away from this free from any cancer cells and that God will use this battle in your life to help and encourage others in their walk with Him."
"Praying for a good nights rest for you and peace for your appointment, for both you and Billy."
"I am sitting alone in the love seat in our living room and I was on my knees at my bed earlier thanking God that HE gave us all the assurance and peace last November that you would be alright today and tomorrow and the days of your future."
"Praying for you today and definitely praying for cancer free!"
John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." Jesus started on this journey with you both and He is with you today. He will finish with you. Tell Satin not to play with your mind trying to rob you of the peace and joy God wants to give you in this experience. I believe God has healed you and given you the desire of your heart. Given you and your family the opportunity to honor, glorify and praise Him.
 |
| "I'm wearing my purple too!!" |
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Today's Scan
This morning I'm going to get another PET scan and CT scan. This is my "after treatment" scan to tell us if I'm cancer free! Please pray for my family and I today. We all feel very good about the treatment, but will be anxious for the follow-up appointment with results. This appointment isn't scheduled quite yet. Thanks again for your prayers.
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