Talk about a punch in the gut.

I’ve been quiet as I process, and there’s no eloquent way to share this news.  We’ve had another serious family situation this week in addition to my scan results, which were not good. 

Sometimes there are no words to describe how one feels after being hit hard with bad news. Sometimes it’s more like sounds of groaning, clenched teeth  and crumbling to the ground. 

We’re lacking options for treatment as they’ve found 4 fairly fast growing tumors in the left abdominal area. Two of them are 2 inches in diameter and the other two are about 1 inch in diameter. The one just under my left rib cage is hurting me and I can feel it. That’s creepy, right? I’ve never been able to feel one of my tumors like this before. It’s been keeping me awake at night as it must be pushing against some muscle and nerves. 

Our local oncology only has treatments to offer that I’ve already used in the past to shrink tumors and hold the spread back. I’ll need to begin something quickly and we are praying for guidance and wisdom. There are a lot of things to consider as all treatments have some side effects, but mostly they can eliminate opportunity for future clinical trials because of being on the treatment, or having too severe of a side effect response. For example, one local trial I’m disqualified for because a prior immunotherapy treatment in 2019 caused a level 3 hepatitis response. 

This was painful news. Our family feels confused, disappointed and full of questions for God. We’re a bit anxious and scared too.  It is hard to rationalize that we believe God is powerful enough to heal me, but He’s choosing not to…yet. He’s sustained my life all these years, against the odds, but now this? This is a true spiritual battle moment and Satan would love nothing more than to see us curse God and throw away our faith. It’s a choice to still believe when circumstances don’t “feel” good. . Well, God has sustained my life this far. I’ve lived with this metastatic non-curable cancer since it spread the first time in 2012, but I need more treatment options.  We’ll be searching for clinical trials while determining how to keep things under control locally. 

We need your prayers for open doors and God’s help to find them. We need prayers for strength as we have multiple hard things we’re facing as a family, which I may share about someday. We need prayers to stay in the fight and to be encouraged and hopeful when we can’t understand where we’re headed. 

I’m asking God what he wants from me. What is He wanting to accomplish? What can I do differently?  I’m asking Him to lead me and use me for His glory. To align my will with His. 

Prayers have gotten us to 12 years. Let’s keep going. Today, will you thank God for sustaining my life. Will you thank Him for how he’s going to heal me, though we don’t see it yet. Will you thank Him for walking hand in hand with His children when we’re scared and suffering. 

Happy Thanksgiving my friends. May you hug your loved ones a little longer and make sure they know how you value them today. Four years ago we unknowingly spent our last Thanksgiving with Billy’s mom. I’m so grateful we got to host that year and take a lot of pictures! And so many people came to Arkansas to celebrate with us. What a gift! 

I’m grateful for you, your encouragement and your prayers! God bless you and yours today! 

12 YEAR CANCER-VERSARY

TODAY IS MY 12 YEAR CANCER-VERSARY.  11-15-2-22

Today I thought I’d wake-up miraculously cancer free, but I didn’t. 

Today a fellow Northwest Arkansas cancer warrior died after battling 9 1/2 years. His family grieves while they know he is well in Heaven. 

Today I’m thankful to be alive. Thankful God continues to sustain my life here on earth. 

Today my daughter had to go to the Children’s hospital after having a gastro virus since Sunday. She needed 2 bags of iv fluid she was so dehydrated. 

Today I am grateful to be here  to be her mom and go with her.  

Today I thought I’d be in a hospital recovering in OKC. 

Today God has m exactly where I needed to be. 

Today I got to have dinner with family and attend a women’s worship service at the church. 

Today God met me in the song lyrics - 

“If more of you means less of me. Take everything.”  Boy, this is a big heavy thing to offer to the Lord - everything-! 

Today I know all the things that God’s allowed to be taken and broken in me have made me into a better version  of me reflecting Him. 

Today I’m processing and praying as we learn what’s next.  I know God is sovereign. 

Pics of us tonight at the church for the Gather & Give service. 

Amy (sister), me, Rachel (sister-in-law), Danina (sister)

Danina, me. 

Thank you to the woman sitting behind us that felt compelled to take this picture and then share it with us. I love it so much as this is how I’ve survived so much! Lots of love, laughter, tears and support. 

What is God Doing Now?

My friends, I have news we’ve been processing, praying over and wrestling with God about since yesterday morning. I know I must share this today and have been working my way through scripture to meet God there and hear from him this morning. 

My surgeon called yesterday and said there is a new cancer spot in my left kidney. This is the kidney he operated on in May and it is not safe to operate on that part of my abdomen again. This means my surgery is cancelled for Monday. Best practices in surgery is only to do surgery if it can be a curative option for a patient and because of this new spot being in the left side and the surgery for Monday is in my right side, he cannot say surgery would be curative. Of course, this was shocking and so discouraging to hear. He spoke with Dr Beck locally and he agrees we need to pause and regroup. I hope to see Dr Beck early this next week, but I don’t have an appointment yet. If they scan other areas, and these two spots are all they find active, then they could possibly “freeze” the spot in the kidney killing it and then I could move forward with the surgery. There are risks of creating a hole in my diaphragm or collapsing a lung with the freezing, so more work needs done to know if that is a good option. Honestly, I worry about you all, as you follow this story.  Please do not be discouraged in your faith because of this news. As my friend told me, this is a comma, not a period. God has not said no, but not yet. Maybe he’s got something else to accomplish in me, or even you, first. Ask Him what He wants from you. This morning I askedHim what He wants from me.  This morning as I read through my bible study lesson and it just so happens to be on spiritual warfare and uses the Israelites crossing the Jordan to the promise land as an example. The author literally says in her commentary that we must cross OUR Jordan to OUR promise land. I am reminded that the Israelites still faced tribes (problems) to be battled and defeated even after crossing. Also reminded to dress myself in the spiritual armor God has empowered me with! God allows the battle, but provides us the wisdom and strength to win where He sees fit. I admit my biggest question for God is if He will choose to heal me here.  I would despair, like David said, if I did not have hope that I will see God’s Goodness in the land of the living. 

I’m being persistent in my prayers to be authentic in sharing my battle, that God would continue to grow our faith and belief together and that He will give me strength and courage to live out His purpose and plans for me, my family and all of you! May my will align with what God’s doing, because I certainly can’t see it right now! What I do know right now is that God has been faithful in the past. I’ve never walked through any battle without Him holding my hand. I wouldn’t want to face any of this life without God! 

Please be in prayer for Billy &I, our kids and family and friends! Pray for the doctors to be willing to dig deeper and color outside of the lines if God wants them to. God is the author of this story. Stay tuned….

Enjoy the first of two Podcasts

https://www.redeemedheartsministries.com/podcast-episodes/cancer-with-christ-part-1

This is available through ApplePodcasts, Spotify, and this website for your listening choice. 

Cancer Journey Podcast

Friday, I was interviewed for a series of podcasts by Redeemed Hearts Ministries in Pampa, Texas. Next Monday, as I go into surgery claiming God’s healing from this 12 years of cancer, the first podcast will be shared on RHM’s Facebook page, website and Spotify.  I’ll be sharing about my cancer journey and how God has spoken to me and been faithful to all involved. I hope you’ll go follow their page and plan to listen and pray! 

Here is RHM’s website. 

https://www.redeemedheartsministries.com/

Redeeming November

Feels like a longtime before my surgery will happen now that I’ve had to reschedule due to being sick. I’m reminding myself that God is in control of the details that I can’t control. How in control actually blows our minds! 

I was originally taken to surgery to remove a growth in my episiotomy scar. We weren’t concerned that it was cancer at all because my body grew lots of strange things in my 20’s. Dermgoid tumors, adhesions, endometriosis, cysts. All had been benign. 

November 9th 2010 they removed this new growth. A couple days later I went back to the office for work, moving on with life. 

November 15th 2010 the nurse called and said the doctor wanted to see me in his office. This screamed abnormal. I called Billy and asked him to meet me at the doctor’s office. That afternoon we learned I had a very rare type of cancer called vaginal adenocarcinoma. Only 50 women in the U.S. were diagnosed per year. There was no standard treatment regimen known. 

Fast forward to now - 12 years later! 

November 9th 2022 I will go have a new CT Scan and preop for my rescheduled surgery. 

November 14th 2012 I will have my rescheduled surgery to remove the last known active cancer and spend the night in the hospital. 

November 15th 2022 I will have my first day cancer free! And maybe get to come home! 

Who, but God, puts this schedule together?!? 

Luke 8:43-44 “Now there was a woman who had been suffering from hemorrhages for twelve years; and though she had spent all she had on physicians, no one could cure her. She came up behind Jesus and touched the fringe of his clothes, and immediately her hemorrhage stopped.

8:48 Then He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you.  Go in peace.”

Join me in praying for healing from cancer here on earth by means of this surgery in OKC exactly 12 years later from diagnosis. 

The Anchor of Our Soul

Hope is an anchor of our soul, both sure and steadfast, according to Hebrews 6:19.  If a boat floats on the water not anchored, what happens? It is pushed every which way the waves and wind wants to blow it.  It has nothing to steady it.  Nothing to keep it on course for its destination.  Nothing keeping it safe from attack and destruction. This is just like us.  As the world blows in one hard storm after another, if we are not anchored to something sure and steadfast, we'll be tossed about until we are lost, or worse yet, destroyed.  

What is your soul anchored to?  

Two years ago at the beginning of the covid pandemic of 2020, I was watching church on TV one day and the pastor was talking about how God told the Isrealites they had wandered long enough in the desert. They'd been wandering lost for 38 years.  I was certain that this was a message straight to my heart from God that my time had come to leave the desert and I'd get to see the promised land where God would restore the years the locust had eaten.  This was coming out of a year and a half of cancer spots being found because of immense pain in my body.  These spots had to be radiated for treatment and I'd been pushing through pain, sickness from treatment and doing life with our very busy family of 5.  Chris had just gotten married and we'd moved he and his bride to Arizona.  Alyssa was doing pageants and had won for Arkansas and then competed at the National level in California over Thanksgiving. She was doing school cheer and track.  Isaiah was a high school senior and we were busy enjoying all the things that come along with the lasts of Senior year, plus preparing for college. I was doing it all and loving it all, but so weary deep into my bones.  When I heard that message of leaving the desert, it spoke straight to my heart.   Oh the hope that overflowed my heart! 

Not 2 months later, we entered into one of the hardest seasons of our life as a family.  Satan wanted to destroy us.  He brought a darkness into our home that we'd never even imagined. There was no one we knew who could understand our situation.  No one who could truly help carry the burdens and fear we began to face.  The deep in your soul suffering was something I'd never experienced before. Close family couldn't help us.  The Christian community who knew didn't know how to engage and serve us.  Someday, maybe, God will ask us to share the details of this time, but for now it is enough to know that Satan wanted to see us lose our faith. He wanted us to fall facedown on the ground cursing the God we'd loved and trusted endlessly.  

Some days the darkness swallowed us up whole leaving us paralyzed in our own minds. Questioning what God was allowing and why we felt abandoned and so alone. Other times I could find no words to pray except to repeat, help us God. One summer day I decided to sit on the back porch and listen to "The Blessing" by Kari Jobe.  I could only pray as I listened to the lyrics accounting how God would turn His face toward us, be gracious to us and give us peace. (Numbers 6:24-26).  It goes on to express God's favor to our family for a thousand generations, for our children, and our children's children. ( Deuteronomy 7:9)  It reminded me that God is with me and He is for me. (Deuteronomy 31:8).  These purely sang scriptures, literally written and released in 2020, became my prayer anthem every single morning.  I would listen, meditating on the words and then pray out Satan in the power of Jesus blood.  Slowly, day by day, I felt my anchor becoming steadfast and sure again. 

How long would this continue though, Lord?  We whined and complained just like the Isrealites.  We knew nothing else to do, but to desperately grip the rope that kept us tied to the anchor of our souls.  Without this, we knew we'd drown and our family be destroyed. Our family began to take tiny steps forward in healing, understanding, foregiveness and grace.  There are still so many bruises and scrapes being tended to, but the promise stands true.  Here we are 2 years later, just like the Isrealites in their 40th year.  God says, now is the time! We can almost taste and see the promised land. Not only coming out of this unbelievably dark and painful season as a family, but also in my cancer battle.  Stay tuned for more about this because its going to blow your mind.  Never untie your anchor, friends, for it is our only hope.