After feeling poorly for a couple weeks, I ended up on the couch for the last 6 days sleeping my life away. I began radiation on the one spot in my right lung that continues to grow and since then I’ve been going downhill until I’ve just slept, became mentally foggy and physically bed-ridden. It’s an extremely difficult place to find myself once again, but my body isn’t as strong as it used to be to stay in the fight. We are closing in on 9 years since this cancer battle began and today I awoke weary in every way. Fully depleted of all self-strength and human will. As I made myself keep one eye open and push toward getting ready for today’s appointment I became so angry, but not with God - but Satan. I yelled out loud like an angry lion. I’m not sure where it came from, but it was deep within me and felt good. I yelled again and said Satan go away! And then fell into a puddle crying and blubbering to Jesus, begging him to carry me as I have nothing left, I told Him.
My sister came to pick me up and brought her sweet Evelyn Grace. I couldn’t be fun Aunt Kee Kee today. It made me sad and I told Jesus I need to fully live. I’m not depressed. I am depleted. It’s in this place where I meet Jesus face to face. Where I weakly give Him all my pain and weakness and frailty and ask Him to carry me. I admit I cannot do it anymore. I’m done in.
I told my nurses and doctors I felt like I needed to go to the hospital. Not that I wanted to, but I needed help now. I guess they know me well enough to know I don’t ever want to go to the hospital and put their heads together reviewing bloodwork etcetera etcetera and determined I have Pneumonitis (like pneumonia, but without the infection). Radiation can cause this down the road a ways, but coupled with Immunotherapy that can also cause it, they decided to treat with a steroid regiment. This means no Immunotherapy infusion next week, but did allow me to continue radiation today. I also have a bad Urinary Tract Infection, which always presents different since I have a urostomy. Plus regular physical strain from radiation and Immunotherapy treatments. I’m been so mentally foggy, but I can tell the iv fluids, multivitamins and antibiotic, coupled with steroids is helping in this area or I couldn’t focus more than two seconds on this update.
Please pray that I will rest in the wings of my Savior and my body will respond to these meds and quickly so I can get back to fully living and serving.
And thank you to my sister, Katy, who gave over half her day and got me to the doctor today. Without help I would have not gotten there at all.
