I’ve never considered myself a worrier. God created me to have an optimistic spirit. I didn’t realize this so much until I had a family of my own and I could see the difference of my “it will all be okay” outlook compared to some others. Sometimes I wondered if something was wrong with me that I wasn’t as worried as others. Fast forward many years and I’ve also learned one of my spiritual gifts is faith. Don’t get me wrong, I wrestle things out with God a lot, but in the end I can settle on solid ground as a believer. I thank God for this gift only He has given me and only He protects it.
I share these thoughts as I am wrestling now with many things in my professional and personal worlds, both. It seems my timing and God’s timing are not the same; yet I know I heard Him clearly when He said Yes. Have you experienced this? You sought guidance and wisdom from the Lord, felt clear on the answer, step out in faith and then wait…and wait…and wait!
My dad said the night I was diagnosed with cancer, 11/15/2010, he went outside concerned that he hadn’t heard from us yet and tried to pray that I didn’t have cancer, but the words fell flat. So he said, okay God, Kristi has cancer, so please help her and heal her. Instantly he felt God say, Kristi will be ok.
Many years later my sister, Katy, sat on a bench pleading with God to heal me when she felt God say, Kristi will be ok.
About 15 months ago During a Covid Sunday morning I watched church on tv. The pastor was talking about the Israelites wandering in the dessert, suffering and lost. And then God said to them that they had wandered long enough and He would deliver them to the promised land. (Duet.2:3) After punishing Israel with 4 years of locust eaten harvests, God showed mercy and promised to restore the years the locust had eaten! His people began to experience bumper harvests. (Joel 2:24-26) I felt this wash over me in a way that felt like God said, Kristi I’m going to deliver you and restore these years lost to you. I have claimed that promise ever since.
Yet here I am laying in bed sick with Covid 19. Billy and I both came down with it last weekend and only out of sheer stubbornness I didn’t go to the hospital with 103.3 fever on ib profin. As my fever wreaked havoc on my body and mind I suffered physically and mentally. All sorts of hard memories and images kept coming to my mind and as soon as I would pray one away, another came. I wrestled with grief and regret, shame and loss, reliving pain both emotionally and physically. I couldn’t shake it and I suffered. I thought of Job and how his friends gave him bad advice while he was weak and suffering and how God rewarded Job for not listening and continuing to wrestle out his suffering with the God he believed in; and praying for his friends. (Job 42) Billy was less sick and bless him, he would drag himself up to take care of me and bring me meds and ice packs, rub my aching hips and shoulders. He would ask what else he could do and I just said, I don’t know, I’m just suffering. I worried him as I begin to recite Psalm 91 aloud to call on the Lord for help with scripture.
I’m fever free for a couple days and my wits are coming back to me and I’m replaying this in my mind and I’ve been thanking God for giving me a positive “it will be okay” attitude, along with a determined faith. Without it I can’t imagine how I would have gotten through all the things this life has brought me this far, or what is still to come. Some sufferings you know and some I may share at another time if God leads me there.
I was able to receive the newest Pfizer anti viral medication for high risk patients along with many other medicines to get me through Covid. I was vaccinated and if that helped me at all, I know I would have ended up in the hospital without it. Billy and I are on the mend thank God as we’ve seen so many we know lose their lives to Covid or the impact it had on their prior health issues.
God created us to live the life He has given us. I wouldn’t choose to live in suffering, and although I am facing more unknowns with my cancer as soon as I’m over Covid, I know this same God who has carried me through all those hard memories I saw in my fever-ridden mind will continue. I am not sure how, but God has said I’ll be ok. We even believe Him to mean here on earth, not only in Heaven. How glorious that will be one day! My choice is to believe. Do you?
