Yesterday I found myself saying “I know my patient file says terminal, but my prayer time says life”.
I met with a new gyn onc yesterday and to say that her career as an oncologist has hardened her is an understatement. She provided no hope; just experience and statistics. Those statistics say I should already be dead. Her experience says that if we remove this cancer surgically the cancer will still come back somewhere else. In fact she believes it is somewhere else and we just cannot see it yet. She recommends skipping the surgery and going to an antibody targeted treatment that reads like a last ditch effort to get 8 more months of life. She told me my slow growing cancer will eventually morph into fast spreading and we just don’t know when, so the iv systematic treatment or surgery is ultimately my decision. It was the most hopeless and discouraging appointment I’ve ever sat through in 11.5 years of cancer.
I wonder if this doctor has ever met my Jesus? I wonder if she’s looking at it all wrong? Instead of saying everyone else has usually died by this point and so my time is coming, perhaps she should wonder what is working for me that I am still here? Not only still alive, but actually living life!
When Billy had enough of her negativity, he stood up and thanked her for seeing us and giving us her time.
We walked out weighed down, quiet and lifeless.
As we waited to consult with the surgeon (urologic oncologist) next I began to research the treatment she recommended and processing what just happened.
I realized I’ve been labeled with terminal cancer in my patient file for 8 years and yet I don’t feel that way. I don’t look that way. I’ve never accepted that label in my mind or heart. This wasn’t a deliberate thought or decision, so why?
The only answer I can think of is that I know my Jesus and I know my days are numbered by Him alone. I know that the word of medicine says terminal, but the word of God says life.
Our surgeon is confident in doing this procedure, although very exploratory. Best case scenario he will be able to remove the adrenal gland and top of kidney robotically and I will be in the hospital for 2 days with a 2 week recovery at home. Worst case scenario he has to open me up with a very large incision along the bottom of my left rib cage and remove the adrenal gland, kidney, spleen and pancreas tail with some possible repair to my abdominal aorta. This would mean 2 weeks in the hospital and 3-4 months to recover at home. Anything in between could happen as well.
I sat with the surgeon telling us his surgeries were being scheduled out into July and that he needed to coordinate with two other surgeons to help him. That felt like an awfully long time to wait. Then, he said one of the surgeons had a cancellation on 5/26, he checked his calendar and said he was able to make it work before clinics that day.
The doctor stepped out for a minute and I told Billy we had to forget what that gyn onc said and remember how we felt before we arrived. I felt like GOD had been saying “Do this Kristi, and be excited about it”!
Billy told the doctor we always just do the best treatment option at the time and trust God and it’s turned out okay this far. The surgeon/doctor agreed that you never know the future.
Surgery will be 2 weeks from today, 5/26.
Pray that science is wrong and as I reach out and touch the garment of Jesus, He says”Daughter, your faith has made you well”.
Goodbye cancer.
