Sometimes we can't hear God. We cannot feel Him or sense Him. I felt that way this morning. Numb. Shocked. Discouraged. Confused. How can a God I love and try to follow so closely leave me in this place hurting emotionally, physically and spiritually? How can the God who I've felt so close to me, upholding me with his strong right hand, feel so far away and absent today?
I'm wandering aimlessly thinking about yesterday and how things unfolded at my oncologist appointment. I wasn't even nervous to go to this appointment. The radiation was a 90% for sure killer of this one spot in my lungs and should realert my immune system to all the other cancer in my body so it could attack. I expected good news.
Instead I got pretty bad news.
My radiated spot in my right lung is almost double in size. Two spots in my left lung are growing quickly also. A new small spot in my brain was seen and will be reviewed at the neuro board next Monday. And this pain in my neck and shoulder - well we recently learned that is from a cancer growth in my C3 vertebrae. It extends from the bone out into the soft tissue wrapping around an artery and pressing against some small nerves. Usually cancer doesn't itself hurt, but this cancer in my neck is really painful. A constant reminder that something is in my body that shouldn't be.
I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm stunned. I'm heart broken. I'm discouraged. I'm confused and disappointed. I'm afraid and full of doubt.
Yet, I'm also fighting to still believe, still hope, still pray.
This morning as I stared out the window a book caught my eye by Ken Boa. It is about praying scripture. I didn't have the words to pray for myself, so I picked it up and began to pray the morning affirmations in the front of the book aloud. In between I would share my heart with God about not feeling His presence or His strength and then pray the next scripture. By the time I was finished my emotions let loose and I could feel that God was still there even in my doubt and disappointment.
I once wrote down lyrics to a song I called, My Little Mustard Seed. I've been here before fighting to keep the faith that God hears my prayers and will answer them here amongst the living. People say that as Christians we win either way; healed in Heaven or healed on earth. Somehow I find little comfort in that right now as I am still here living a full life. I know it is true, yet I believe God will give me peace about that if and when the time comes. No peace here.
I want to meet Chris and Brittany's babies, I want to host a rehearsal dinner for Isaiah, I want to help Alyssa pick out a wedding dress. I want to sit in a front porch rocking chair in my old age with Billy. I want to share God's character with the next generation and the next. And I have just a mustard seed size of faith that this can still happen.
"Truly, I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." Matthew 17:20
"The apostles said to the Lord, 'Increase our faith!' And the Lord said, 'If you had faith like a mustard seed you would say to this mulburry tree, 'Be uprooted and be planted in the sea', and it would obey you." Luke 17:5-6
I pray that God will use this situation to grow/increase our faith and that He may show me His goodness in the land of the living. Ps. 27:13
I pray for radiation to kill the cancer in my neck and alleviate all the pain there.
I pray that there will be a treatment I can begin that is curative and not just a maintenance chemo, like I had to do for 21 weeks in 2015. That was mentioned and we are not seeing this as a good option.
I pray that I will feel good to enjoy Isaiah's senior year, Chris' wedding and Alyssa's national pageant.
I pray God will reveal Himself in a mighty way as my healer from all cancer here on earth and allow me to continue to live fully in His grace.
We thank you for joining me in these prayers.
