Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Feels like gambling, but I trust you.

Nick Vujicic, a man born without limbs, says "Life may not be going well for you now, but as long as you are here, as long as you press forward, anything is possible."

I walked into my appointment with my sister, Amy.  I didn't feel real nervous, but my resting heart rate was 80 so I may have been! I shared with Amy that I felt surrendered to whatever God was going to ask of me, but that I felt like God may surprise us! 

Once we got called back, my hubby surprised us! He seemed to think I had a lot of nervous energy! But really, what does he know?!?  

After seeing two nurses we finally learned what we'd come for. Yesterday's scans show no new cancer spots, and only two spots with minimal growth! Plus, I am less symptomatic than I was at my last two appointments! 

After a bit of discussion about the lack of a current clinical trial and my cancer growth rate, we decided to stay on course and keep waiting for the local trial to begin (possibly mid June) plus keep searching for another trial that I could qualify for. 

This gamble feels a bit exciting (no treatment side effects) and a bit scary (what if ...). Yet, as Nick says, as long as I'm still here and I press forward, anything is possible! 

As I've pressed forward, God has continued to surprise me; allowing me to feel good and live life with metastatic stage 4 cancer. Although there is still growing cancer, I believe God is protecting me and allowing me more quality time, more moments, more opportunities. I feel blessed to say, yes Lord. Steady my mind as I trust you with the gamble. 

"And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us." 1 John 5:14

"The steadfast of mind you will keep in perfect peace, because he trusts in you."
 Isaiah 26:3

Yes, Lord!

I've been getting verses in my inbox and listening to my playlist and a couple podcasts. My hearts only response is yes, Lord. 

I'm not sure what this means for my appointment today, but in anticipation of the miracles and mighty works my Lord can perform, I find myself surrendered to His plan today!  I look to Him for protection and commit my hearts Him. His ways are perfect as he lights up my worn out darkness! 

Thank you Lord! 

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

It's A crazy life....but it is life and I'm thankful.

It's a crazy life....but it is life and I'm thankful. 

Some of you may know that we had to sell our house in 2014 and have been leasing a home since then. Last year when our lease was up we were searching for a house and didn't find what we wanted, plus I was about to begin 21 weeks of chemotherapy. So, we decided to renew our lease for another year. 

Our lease is up again the end of May and although we had a house on 3 acres chosen, it fell through. No Matter what we did, we couldn't make it work. It sure appeared to be the perfect place for our family, but we finally had to let it go. With no other homes meeting our needs and some new financial drains we were sure we'd have to renew our lease for yet a 3rd year.  Even the kids were sad at this prospect. 

While working through these home details we have also been testing for clinical trials. That has been a crazy ride! After being turned down for over 5 out of state trials and the local trial being delayed, I had to fight to stay positive. Trusting it would work out, I did finally receive word that I tested positive for Mesothelian so once my scan was reviewed once more I'd be off to Maryland! The next day, I hear the local trial has been given a trial number and should be a go in a week. 
We mourned the idea of owning a home of our own again, but we celebrated I may have two trial options. 

Within days, the tide turned.

The trial in Maryland was canceled because of safety concerns and won't be reconsidered for 6 months minimum, if ever. The local trial is now on hold again because of labeling issues and they hope it will be available in June sometime.  This is so disappointing to my human mind. 

In our sadness about the trials we found a home that we are excited about and the funding became available so that we can move the end of May! 

Isn't that a crazy couple weeks! 
I'll have to share more about how God worked to provide this home for our family, but right now I am going back for a CT scan to determine growth rate of my current cancer spots. This will help us know if I can wait longer for a trial or if I must do a maintenance chemo. 

Pray now please that God intervenes! That my body continues to be protected by the blood of  Jesus! That the cancer has not spread and that I can continue to wait for a trial. 

I know I am in a scary situation, but I love this crazy life enough to keep fighting for more! 

To God be the glory, forever and ever. Amen. 

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Hoping....waiting...trying not to worry.

Hoping to hear something more definitive from the oncologist tomorrow! Please continue to lean in with us and ask God to be in the details/timing and protect my body from any spreading cancer as we wait!

We should have heard back on the protocol for the local clinical trial a week or two ago.  Waiting gets hard. 

Thank you for standing with us in prayer and encouragement!


Thursday, April 7, 2016

Hard to Find Words

Hey friends,

I know its been too long since I wrote.  I find it's hard to find words while I'm "just waiting".  I've been in this place of "waiting" before, but this time is much different.  I can't just sit and focus on the situation while I wait.  I can't close the book for 6 months until this "season of life" is over.  You see, I don't know how many more chapters are in this story.  I don't know if the good or evil wins when this story concludes.  Some days I can't even guess what's coming on the next page.

So, instead of "waiting" I am busy "living".

I've cleaned out closets and sold well-used toys and clothes at a yard sale.  I got sunburned and my nose peeled because I didn't take the time to put my fancy face lotion on to protect my aging skin.

I planted some flowers in a couple pots out front and then forgot to cover them up when the weather turned back to freezing temperature at night.

I panicked that someone was going to see my huge piles of laundry and began taking all the big comforters to the cleaners.  Then I let them call me four times before I picked them up.

I took my son shopping and admired how tall and handsome he's become. I laughed when he picked out a hat in the exact style his dad used to wear at his age. I really laughed when he told me how "hot" he was in the hat!

I spent two full week-ends sitting in an arena just to watch my daughter's 2.5 minute cheer routine.  Then I had to wait another two hours to find out that she did so well that we get to do it all over again in two weeks!

I stood on my head and pulled weeds outside.  I laid in my bed on a hot pack because my neck and shoulder hurt so bad afterward. 

I tried a brand new recipe on friends.  They loved it.  I tried a brand new recipe at home.  They hated it. 

I promised to get rid of both of our dogs.  Later, I chased them down the street scared to death they'd get away and I'd have to tell the kids they were gone.

I'm "waiting" to hear about clinical trials and treatment.
I'm "living" to not waste a page in my story.