Just taking the next step

Monday’s appointment was pretty overwhelming. We met with the Doctor sponsoring the TILS clinical trial. He says it is a very attractive idea to put me in it and see how I do. They have some people in remission 1-2 years on this trial, so they’d like to see how my cancer type responds. It feels high risk, high reward to me. It could be something that brings remission, but the side effects from the medications will most likely put me in ICU. They said for sure I’ll be in the hospital about 2 weeks. Things can happen like internal bleeding, infections, extremely low blood pressure, and even a coma. They have protocol in place to handle all of the side effect possibilities, but I can’t say that the details didn’t make me feel a bit afraid. I think being naive to suffering would be good at a time like this, but I’m too familiar and that causes dread also. I’m just asking God to slam the door shut if this is not His will for me. So far I’m passing through all the prerequisite testing quickly. The trial coordinator actually said she’s never seen a trial move this quickly. 

Billy & I are back on the road to OKC again today, which for those of you not familiar, it is a 422 mile round trip. They need more prerequisite testing and new CT scans. We’ll travel back home after scans tomorrow and then come back next Tuesday when they will remove a tumor in my leg to use for the trial.

It feels like a lot. I started reading scripture about trust and It helped me find  my footing. I’ll share a few in case you need them too! 

 With God’s help, strength and direction we will face this “next thing”! So humbled to have you walking it with us again. 💜

In the hospital again.

Last week I began going downhill again and by Thursday went to see a doctor and ask to get fluids. They admitted me to the hospital for the same symptoms I had in January. Resting heart rate of 141, severely dehydrated (which my adrenal insufficiency can cause), blood pressure was 78/56, etc. 

It appears that there is a bacteria infection, but they also believe I have a fungus that has gotten in my blood stream. They’ve been treating me according to the fungus that I get in January and someone missed it and didn’t treat me for it. That’s is a very frustrating thought as maybe we could have avoided this time. 

I hope to go home tomorrow because I have an appointment in Oklahoma City on Monday at 11:30 to meet with the doctor over the clinical trial and do a lot of pre testing the trial requires. I feel hopeful about this trial and now that they are treating me with the right meds I can go into it stronger. 

I’m so thankful for all my helpers. So many more than pictured. 

Is it your will God?

Yesterday I felt so sick and I was just talking to God about it continuously. As I have a drain from my kidney and still await a stint to be put in, I suffer mostly with this fistula, which is a hole between my stomach and colon. This can hurt and  make me feel very sick (think nausea, vomiting, cramping, aching).  I’m going to meet with an OU research doctor in OKC about a clinical trial and will also talk to her about this fistula. We need wisdom on trying to surgically repair before the trial or not. I’m still hoping the surgeon from OU will see me also. If he’s willing to repair it, I’m willing to let him. Although in May he said he’s never going back in my abdomen again. I’ll try to win him over. 

I still believe God can heal me. It’s really a question of, if He will. When we have something really hard in our life we try to understand pros and cons, but God sees a bigger picture. One that includes things we can’t understand. If we could, God wouldn’t be God. I wrestle with this just like anyone else, but feel God is giving me peace in the waiting. I’m not afraid to die, but I am afraid to not fully live.  My heart is full of so many ideas and plans, yet physically my body can’t keep up. The stubborn independence I once knew has to be grieved as I count on so many others for help and support. This is a good thing, whether I like it or not, as I am blessed on so many ways by all those around me. God is present in the big and small things. When I try to figure it out in my own it’s roadblock after roadblock, but God’s timing is perfect. I still trust Him. I trust that He knows my heart. I trust that He knows the future and will never leave me, but instead will strengthen me and uphold me with his strong right hand! (Is. 41:10b)

I’m still asking God to allow me to see all my kids grown and married with babies. I picture Billy and I rocking on the front porch with full heads of gray hair!  So far, my life is a miracle. I’m well past defying the odds of this cancer, according to the doctors and statistics. I know God is still in it and  I’m claiming this verse for dreams of the future.  

Isaiah 46:4 “Even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save.”

What do you need to trust God for today?