Monday, November 29, 2010

Finding Thanksgiving

I share this post for others that may be dealing with something difficult. 

I love Thanksgiving and I really love Christmas, but I'm having a hard time getting in the mood.  I feel as if I'm going through the motions and putting one step in front of the other, but feeling nothing.  I was numb before my last doctor's appointment, which I do believe was God's mercy so that I wasn't full of anxiety as I waited, but this is different.  My heart is usually one that is full to the brim with emotion.  I'm either completely thankful and happy, or sad, or disappointed, or wishful, or dreaming of what's to come.  Very rarely do I not feel the moment in a personal and meaningful way.  Right now I'm sad because Billy, our kids, and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving week-end with family, but my heart felt unengaged in a way that hasn't happened before.  Since my last doctor's appointment so many people have told me how blessed I should feel and in my mind I know this is true.  Deep down though, I don't feel it.  I feel somewhat angry, sad, tired and confused about my next step in this journey. 

When the doctor gave us news that this cancer had not spread it was such an instant relief.  I realized I'd been harboring fearful and unspoken thoughts. 
  • Riding home with my family from church we were talking and laughing with my silly kids and in my mind I felt afraid of what my family would look like without me.  I pictured it and knew my dear husband would do well.  He would rise to the occasion with strength and my children would be okay.
  • I tried to tell myself that I wouldn't feel the pain of Billy remarrying if I didn't make it.
  • I knew my sisters would help Alyssa through puberty and boyfriends and her wedding.  They would help her find balance between being strong  and being gentle.
  • I knew that Isaiah's gentle personality would be protected by many, but he would be encouraged to find confidence and leadership so that he would one day grow into a man after God's own heart.
  • I knew that Billy, our family and friends would help my little children remember me.  What I liked and didn't like, my personality, my quirks.
We left the oncology office and these fears rose unexpectedly and I felt overwhelmed with emotion.  The numbness I'd felt for days before had protected me from my thoughts. 

The hard part is that as soon as the doctor said the cancer hadn't spread he moved into treatment of radiation and chemotherapy and the hardships of that.  He spoke of some lifelong effects of radiation.  He said the success rate of this cancer is not 100%, but that it is high.  Although I was so incredibly glad to hear this news, I still walked away with a shadow over me because of what is still to come.  I've been feeling like this is wrong for me to feel this way as so many others are rejoicing and I'm not yet.

Over the last several days I've felt burdened as we decide where to go for a second opinion, where the treatment will actually be done and if that will be close to home.  I meet with my gynecologist today to ask his unbiased opinion on where to have the radiation and chemo done -  locally or with special equipment called ProCure Proton Therapy in Oklahoma City?  I am hoping to get in for an appointment in Oklahoma City this week to meet with another oncologist and radiologist for their opinion as well.  As mentioned before I have two upcoming appointments with a local radiologist and medical oncologist.

I'm praying for patience as I'm tired of appointment and decisions.  Today I claim these verses.

"I will guide you along the best pathway for your life, I will advise you and watch over you." Psalms 32:8

"I prayed to the Lord and He answered me.  He freed me from all my fears."  Psalms 34:4

Thank you to those of you that walk this journey with me.  I am so grateful for your strength, your tears, your help and your listening ear as I deal with the emotions of this journey.  Please know I never mean to take you for granted.


  1. Hi sister friend, my heart is heavy with sadness too this morning and always when I feel this way I wonder at what you must feel. The battle before you is still a heavy one but our God is mighty and in Him we will stand, moment by moment, day by day until His glory shines brightly. I pray specifically today that you can "feel" God carrying your burden.

    Matt 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light

  2. Kristi,
    I love you dearly and hope to visit soon. You have been on my mind and in my prayers constantly. I am encouraged by your strength and so very thankful for you.
    Love and Hugs...lots of hugs!

  3. Kristi, We have been in such prayer for you! Your words here are precious, real, hard to think about and honest. Thank you for letting us get a glimpse of the thoughts and fears you are struggling with and also the hope interwoven through your words. I just wanted you to know I am praying Philippians 4:6-10 for you. I will continue to pray these words through the journey you are on. Love you, Sandie (Ford)

  4. My heart hurts after reading this. I know that many of us harbor unspoken feelings about this cancer. Sometimes I'm really angry and I just can't understand why this happened to you. I just want you to know that whatever it is you are feeling please share it with me, good or bad. I'm right here!! ;) I love you sweet, sweet sister of mine.

  5. It is refreshing to read this-almost 2 years out from when I was diagnosed with cancer-to know that I am not alone in those dark, scary, yukky feelings and thoughts. The anger, the sadness, the rage, the confusion-and the real wondering and fear of how our family will move on without us. Those emotions hit me HARD as I was laying on the table hearing that horrid news, and then I moved into numb survivor mode. I'm just now really allowing myself to feel anything again, and it's not always pretty but I'm thankful God is allowing me to feel again. Sometimes he covers us with his blanket of love and shields us from those yukky feelings so we can survive. Praying that you find peace in knowing that He is with you even in those numb moments and that when He is ready for you to completely feel again, He will allow it.