Oh, how I wish I had gone to MD Anderson last week and came home with a plan packed full of hope for a cure. A plan with an end in sight. Unfortunately, I did not.
Based on a 50 gene test, we learned that my cancer growth is being driven by a gene called KRAS. Our clinical trial doctor didn't spare any time when he told us there is no current treatment or trial that has identified a targeted treatment that hits this gene. Ugh........ It's surreal to sit there and know that what you prayed for is not what you are getting......again. Instead your unanswered prayer gives you only one direction to go. The current standard treatment. Is this a blessing I didn't know I needed, I wonder?
One year ago when they found I had spots in my lungs and began to watch so closely a new chemo cocktail was being put into mainstream treatment around the world. This cocktail is now my best chance to shrink or slow the growth of this KRAS driven adenocarcinoma. I wonder if anyone with my rare gyn cancer (primary vaginal adenocarcinoma) has ever been given this cocktail? Perhaps it is a cure for me, though not for cervical cancer. Will God give me a miracle and allow me to beat the odds and live far outside of the "norm", according to science? Might I have life much longer than ever dreamt of because I realize God is bigger than my cancer? Might God choose to give little me, with no giant impact around the world, a miracle that shines His light in my small circle? Will the master potter create me to a be a beautiful unique masterpiece that lives this life with a small crack in my side? Much like Paul's thorn, my "small crack" will always remind me who is in control of my destiny. The one who pulls me up out of bed in the morning with joy in my heart and strength to put my feet on the floor once more. The risen Savior. Abba. Yahweh. Jehovah!
My Savior is the lamp unto my feet shining light only on THIS day. I find it no mistake that as I remember being in the hospital at MD Anderson on Good Friday 2 years ago, fighting for my life, against multiple infectious bacterias in my body, I now set out on yet another life threatening journey. I could face tomorrow during that time because I knew my Savior lived! He lives still. He is faithful still. He had bigger plans for the world on Good Friday all those years ago when Jesus died on the cross. He has bigger plans for us on this day as well. His ways are beyond our understanding. They are more dramatic than any theatrical climax. It is too much for my human mind to take in. I long for understanding, but for now, I choose to trust. I choose to find hope against the odds. I'd rather be a scared and tired soldier in God's mysterious army than a strong and powerful commander purposed to chase the wind.
God, help us to fight with purpose on this day. We are sinful, scared and tired people who cannot come close to deserving your unending love. May we choose to be faithful today with the moment in time you've given us. May we remember that you alone are in control of this universe. You created the world and everything in it. This sinful world has caused so much pain and ugliness around us. May you lift our eyes away from the pits, and toward you so that we can find our way through this battleground. Thank you for the gift of eternal life through your son Jesus Christ. Thank you for the gift of the Holy Spirit to help us until the day we get to meet you face to face. My you alone receive all the glory in our lives. Help us to choose to trust and hope in you alone. Amen.
Philippians 3:10 " I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead."