The words in my file say terminal, but the words from my Savior say life.

Yesterday I found myself saying “I know my patient file says terminal, but my prayer time says life”.

I met with a new gyn onc yesterday and to say that her career as an oncologist has hardened her is an understatement. She provided no hope; just experience and statistics. Those statistics say I should already be dead. Her experience says that if we remove this cancer surgically the cancer will still come back somewhere else. In fact she believes it is somewhere else and we just cannot see it yet. She recommends skipping the surgery and going to an antibody targeted treatment that reads like a last ditch effort to get 8 more months of life. She told me my slow growing cancer will eventually morph into fast spreading and we just don’t know when, so the iv systematic treatment or surgery is ultimately my decision. It was the most hopeless and discouraging appointment I’ve ever sat through in 11.5 years of cancer. 

I wonder if this doctor has ever met my Jesus? I wonder if she’s looking at it all wrong? Instead of saying everyone else has usually died by this point and so my time is coming, perhaps she should wonder what is working for me that I am still here? Not only still alive, but actually living life! 

When Billy had enough of her negativity, he stood up and thanked her for seeing us and giving us her time. 

We walked out weighed down, quiet and lifeless. 

As we waited to consult with the surgeon (urologic oncologist) next I began to research the treatment she recommended and processing what just happened. 

I realized I’ve been labeled with terminal cancer in my patient file for 8 years and yet I don’t feel that way. I don’t look that way. I’ve never accepted that label in my mind or heart. This wasn’t a deliberate thought or decision, so why? 

The only answer I can think  of is that I know my Jesus and I know my days are numbered by Him alone. I know that the word of medicine says terminal, but the word of God says life. 

Our surgeon is confident in doing this procedure, although very exploratory. Best case scenario he will be able to remove the adrenal gland and top of kidney robotically and I will be in the hospital for 2 days with a 2 week recovery at home. Worst case scenario he has to open me up with a very large incision along the bottom of my left rib cage and remove the adrenal gland, kidney, spleen and pancreas tail with some possible repair to my abdominal aorta. This would mean 2 weeks in the hospital and 3-4 months to recover at home. Anything in between could happen as well.  

I sat with the surgeon telling us his surgeries were being scheduled out into July and that he needed to coordinate with two other surgeons to help him. That felt like an awfully long time to wait. Then, he said one of the surgeons had a cancellation on 5/26, he checked his calendar and said he was able to make it work before clinics that day. 

The doctor stepped out for a minute and I told Billy we had to forget what that gyn onc said and remember how we felt before we arrived. I felt like GOD had been saying “Do this Kristi, and be excited about it”!

Billy told the doctor we always just do the best treatment option at the time and trust God and it’s turned out okay this far.  The surgeon/doctor agreed that you never know the future. 

Surgery will be 2 weeks from today, 5/26. 

Pray that science is wrong and as I reach out and touch the garment of Jesus, He says”Daughter, your faith has made you well”. 

Goodbye cancer.

Alone with my Savior

I could have done laundry or dishes or swept the floor, but what I needed was some alone time with Jesus. Some time to enjoy God’s creation while filling up on Biblical truths and promises. I’m filled up with His goodness and ready to go into a week of life with cancer. 

Monday, tomorrow, is my Pet scan and I’ll see doctors on the 5th, 9th & 11th to get a solid plan. 

Mixed in with that I’ll do my best to be a wife, a mom, a daughter and sister,  an Aunt, a friend, a homemaker, a student of the Word and work on our family business. 

Cancer and any disease or lifelong condition steals so much time, along with mental and physical energy. 

That’s why I’ve learned it’s okay to skip the chore and instead sit with my Savior. I can’t do it alone, and thankfully I have my Savior (and my husband)! 

🌅 

#godisbigger  #prayerswelcome

Answered prayer

Thanks for joining us in prayer as we wait once again! God heard our prayers and it is not the super aggressive adrenal cancer. Thank you Jesus! 

It is my same metastatic cancer for the most part. A few changes that may just be showing up because it has lived through radiation. Or the cancer can change as it tries to avoid the treatment that has been working. This is the same as new variants develop of Covid or the flu, etc. 

Next steps are still not clear. One oncologist wants me to get a pet scan a make sure there are no other active cancer spots. Another oncologist wants me to see my Gyn-Onc for their input. Many things are moving and lots of smart people are looking at my case, but surgery is a serious matter for my body to endure. I’m thankful everyone is considering all options and possible outcomes, but that means no clear direction yet. Please keep praying for wisdom and direction that gives healing and quality of life. God is certainly capable of this if He so chooses. 

God bless. ✝️💜

Cancer and the waiting

My urology oncologist called late yesterday and as we’re learning, he explained all the moving parts and thought processes to us so well. Billy and I really appreciate this. He had been talking about my case with a Dr Patel at the OU Cancer Center in Oklahoma City. Dr Patel believes that he can do the surgery and remove the adrenal gland, tumor and only scrape the top of the kidney to remove some radiation scarring attaching the adrenal and kidney together. This is great news for my kidney function and opportunity for open treatments going forward. However, they cannot tell until they go in for surgery if the pancreas tail and the spleen are attached due to radiation scarring as well. They would make the decision to remove these parts while in surgery. 

Before we can take the next step with surgery Dr Patel will receive my full chart to review more throughly. Also, I will have a CT guided biospy to ensure we know exactly what we are dealing with. Is this the original malignant cancer or adrenal cancer or an adrenal adenoma. My doctors expect it to come back as the original malignancy cancer, meaning vaginal adenocarcinoma that moved to the adrenal gland. I’m skeptical because I don’t understand why the radiation has worked everywhere else on my body, but this did not work. It may be a mystery that is never solved. Regardless, the normal treatment for any of these is to surgically resect the area. 

I’m going to do blood work this afternoon to confirm I’m still safe to do the adrenal biopsy. After the biopsy results we will talk to Dr Patel in OKC and schedule next steps. 

Pray for my physical safety and for wisdom and forward thinking for the doctors. Also for my family’s peace in the unknown and waiting.

Fear, Power, Love and a Sound Mind

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. ~ 2Timothy 1:7

Last Thursday Billy & I met with my new Urology Oncologist and I’ve been wrestling with our discussion ever since. A wrestling match that goes on and on is tiring ya’ll! Just as I began to feel my most tired, God whispered this verse in 2nd Timothy to me. 

Answers were still not solid last week. So, tomorrow my doctor will call me at the end of his day to tell me what the recommendation is after discussing with a few other doctors. 

As I wait I am reminded that God didn’t give me, or want me to live with, a spirit of fear. Do you know fear is mentioned in the Bible once for every day of the year? God knew we would be afraid at times, but here we are reminded instead to have a spirit of power, love and a sound mind. 

I am going into tomorrow’s conversations and decisions with this in mind. 

Lastly, remember this Sunday school song? 

Ok God, lead me. I will follow. 

#spiritoffear

#donotfear #donotbeafraid 

#spiritofpower #spiritoflove #spiritofasoundmind #faithoverfear #havecourage #bestrong 

Covid update & Oncology appointments

Today marks 2 weeks since my Covid symptoms began and I am finally functioning, albeit with very low energy a slow pace. Billy was doing pretty well a week ago, so it definitely hit me harder. 

I was supposed to go see the new urology oncologist  and the wound specialist on the 17th but couldn’t with Covid. So we rescheduled for yesterday and they were closed because of the sleet and ice. Now I will go next Thursday on 3/3. 

I’m anxious for these appointments not only because I need some help with my unhealing wound and growing adrenal gland, but because it’s a new oncologist and unknowns. I haven’t had to see a new oncologist since 2015 and at least we thought we knew what we were dealing with. Now, we don’t and I am definitely symptomatic. 

Please be in prayer that this is not life shattering news and that God will provide the very best plan so that I can continue to live here on earth serving him however I can. 

“We have this hope as an anchor for our lives, safe and secure.” Hebrews 6:19

What’s going on now

I’ve never considered myself a worrier. God created me to have an optimistic spirit. I didn’t realize this so much until I had a family of my own and I could see the difference of my “it will all be okay” outlook compared to some others. Sometimes I wondered if something was wrong with me that I wasn’t as worried as others. Fast forward many years and I’ve also learned one of my spiritual gifts is faith. Don’t get me wrong, I wrestle things out with God a lot, but in the end I can settle on solid ground as a believer. I thank God for this gift only He has given me and only He protects it. 

I share these thoughts as I am wrestling now with many things in my professional and personal worlds, both. It seems my timing and God’s timing are not the same; yet I know I heard Him clearly when He said Yes. Have you experienced this? You sought guidance and wisdom from the Lord, felt clear on the answer, step out in faith and then wait…and wait…and wait! 

My dad said the night I was diagnosed with cancer, 11/15/2010, he went outside concerned that he hadn’t heard from us yet and tried to pray  that I didn’t have cancer, but the words fell flat. So he said, okay God, Kristi has cancer, so please help her and heal her. Instantly he felt God say, Kristi will be ok. 

Many years later my sister, Katy, sat on a bench pleading with God to heal me when she felt God say, Kristi will be ok.  

About 15 months ago During a Covid Sunday morning I watched church on tv. The pastor was talking about the Israelites wandering in the dessert, suffering and lost. And then God said to them that they had wandered long enough and He would deliver them to the promised land. (Duet.2:3) After punishing Israel with 4 years of locust eaten harvests, God showed mercy and promised to restore the years the locust had eaten! His people began to experience bumper harvests. (Joel 2:24-26) I felt this wash over me in a way that felt like God said, Kristi I’m going to deliver you and restore these years lost to you. I have claimed that promise ever since. 

Yet here I am laying in bed sick with Covid 19. Billy and I both came down with it last weekend and only out of sheer stubbornness I didn’t go to the hospital with 103.3 fever on ib profin. As my fever wreaked havoc on my body and mind I suffered physically and mentally. All sorts of hard memories and images kept coming to my mind and as soon as I would pray one away, another came. I wrestled with grief and regret, shame and loss, reliving pain both emotionally and physically. I couldn’t shake it and I suffered. I thought of Job and how his friends gave him bad advice while he was weak and suffering and how God rewarded Job for not listening and continuing to wrestle out his suffering with the God he believed in; and praying for his friends. (Job 42) Billy was less sick and bless him, he would drag himself up to take care of me and bring me meds and ice packs, rub my aching hips and shoulders. He would ask what else he could do and I just said, I don’t know, I’m just suffering. I worried him as I begin to recite Psalm 91 aloud to call on the Lord for help with scripture. 

I’m fever free for a couple days and my wits are coming back to me and I’m replaying this in my mind and I’ve been thanking God for giving me a positive “it will be okay” attitude, along with a determined faith. Without it I can’t imagine how I would have gotten through all the things this life has brought me this far, or what is still to come. Some sufferings you know and some I may share at another time if God leads me there. 

I was able to receive the newest Pfizer anti viral medication for high risk patients along with many other medicines to get me through Covid. I was vaccinated and if that helped me at all, I know I would have ended up in the hospital without it. Billy and I are on the mend thank God as we’ve seen so many we know lose their lives to Covid or the impact it had on their prior health issues. 

God created us to live the life He has given us. I wouldn’t choose to live in suffering, and although I am facing more unknowns with my cancer as soon as I’m over Covid, I know this same God who has carried me through all those hard memories I saw in my fever-ridden mind will continue. I am not sure how, but God has said I’ll be ok. We even believe Him to mean here on earth, not only in Heaven. How glorious that will be one day!  My choice is to believe. Do you?