Prior to cancer there were moments that I just wished with all my might that my life could slow down; that I would have that quiet moment to focus on whatever I wanted. A pinch of time when my family, my job, the demands of life didn't need me and I could soak in the silence. Now, I find the busyness of life such a blessing. It allows my mind to be so preoccupied that I can't focus on the unknowns.
Almost two weeks ago I awoke in the night and as I lay in bed my mind began to wonder about this journey I'm on; questioning if the treatment is right. How do they really know when only 40 women will have it this year in the U.S? If my cancer is 5% of all Vaginal cancers then only 800 women get Vaginal cancer in the entire U.S every year. What if this treatment doesn't work? What would the next step be? A radical hysteroctomy, which I do not want to do as they take part of your colon and your bladder. And even if I had to do this, sometimes people aren't candidates for various reasons. Then what? I begin to think about reoccurrance and how the doctors say we can only radiate once so we need to get it the first time. Well what if they don't? What if I have a reoccurance and I'm not a candidate for a radical hysterectomy? What if they don't catch it in time because there is no simple test for this cancer and it spreads to various other parts of the body. What if.......
That morning I woke up with my stomach in knots not sure how to face the day. I was overcome by sheer terror of this disease and all that we don't know about it and about my future. I was thinking about other families that have been impacted by cancer and I felt the need to spray paint I HATE CANCER on the wall somewhere. I told Billy I wanted to take my faith board and stomp on it. I felt afraid and small, which in turn made me angry. I sat down and forced myself to read my bible. I began reading in Mark 10, which my sister's friend had talked about previously. Once I began to read, I found another scripture to turn to, and another and another. Mark 10:51-52 says '"My rabbi", the blind mand said, " I want to see!" and Jesus told him, " Go, for your fiath has healed you." Instantly the man would see and he followed Jesus down the road.' Luke 5: 12-13 says, '"Lord," he said, " if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean." Jesus reached out and touched him. " I am willing", he said. "Be healed."' Matt 8:5-7 says, 'A Roman officer came and pleaded with him, "Lord, my young servant lies in bed, paralyzed and in terrible pain." Jesus said "I will come and heal him."' In this verse the officer declared his faith by saying Jesus didn't have to come, but just say the words.' Matt. 8:13 goes on to say, 'Then Jesus said to the Roman officer, "Go back home. Because you believed it has happened." And the young servant was healed that same hour.'
In Matthewe 16 Jesus cast out demons and evil spirits and in all the versus above he healed the blind, the unclean who had leprosy, the sick and hurting. It reminded me of when I told my doctor that my God was really big and suddenly I felt my fear turn to sadness. Why is it so easy to forget who has authority over our life? As a child I remember the analogy that prayer and faith is like writing your request on paper, placing it inside a box and forever handing it to God. I know I'm not the only one that joked about the box going to God over and over with the same request because we kept taking the box back from him. I realized that I was forgetting that my God is really big and that He has authority not only over my life, but over all sickness, disease and evil on this earth.
I was also reminded that God had good intentions for my life. In John 10:10 Jesus talks to his disciples about being the good shepherd and He says, "My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." In Rom 8:31 you find " What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" In a book I'm reading there is a quote that puts these two versus in perspective for me.....If you could hear the Lord praying for you in the next room, you would not fear a thousand enemies! Heb 7:25 says that God prays for me and now I know that He is "for me" and he wanst to "give me a rich and satisfying life." I cannot imagine what He is asking on my behalf, but I don't believe it includes sheer terror of the path He's chosen to give me.
I am reminded of this tonight, because the busyness of life is not present and I am once again alone with my thoughts for just a little while. Immediately my mind begins to wonder about my treatment next week. I begin to walk through the risks involved with this procedure; I wonder how I'm going to handle the discomfort and the long days alone. As soon as I think I'll give way to my wandering thoughts I remember that I have a really big God who has authority over my personal cancer journey. He wouldn't want me to waste my quiet moment being afraid.
In John 9 Jesus heals the blind man and the disciples ask him why the man was born blind to begin with. Jesus answers in verse 3 saying, "It was not because of his sins or his parents sins. This happened so the power of God could be seen in him." A sweet man I've not even met told me that my journey reminds him of the children's song This Little Light of Mine. He is so right! There is no need to wonder why this happened to me? I know that no matter what the future holds my purpose on earth is to glorify God just like this sweet childhood song reminds us.
So here's a little different version I heard on the radio the other day. It seems just perfect for my quiet moment right now.