Is it your will God?

Yesterday I felt so sick and I was just talking to God about it continuously. As I have a drain from my kidney and still await a stint to be put in, I suffer mostly with this fistula, which is a hole between my stomach and colon. This can hurt and  make me feel very sick (think nausea, vomiting, cramping, aching).  I’m going to meet with an OU research doctor in OKC about a clinical trial and will also talk to her about this fistula. We need wisdom on trying to surgically repair before the trial or not. I’m still hoping the surgeon from OU will see me also. If he’s willing to repair it, I’m willing to let him. Although in May he said he’s never going back in my abdomen again. I’ll try to win him over. 

I still believe God can heal me. It’s really a question of, if He will. When we have something really hard in our life we try to understand pros and cons, but God sees a bigger picture. One that includes things we can’t understand. If we could, God wouldn’t be God. I wrestle with this just like anyone else, but feel God is giving me peace in the waiting. I’m not afraid to die, but I am afraid to not fully live.  My heart is full of so many ideas and plans, yet physically my body can’t keep up. The stubborn independence I once knew has to be grieved as I count on so many others for help and support. This is a good thing, whether I like it or not, as I am blessed on so many ways by all those around me. God is present in the big and small things. When I try to figure it out in my own it’s roadblock after roadblock, but God’s timing is perfect. I still trust Him. I trust that He knows my heart. I trust that He knows the future and will never leave me, but instead will strengthen me and uphold me with his strong right hand! (Is. 41:10b)

I’m still asking God to allow me to see all my kids grown and married with babies. I picture Billy and I rocking on the front porch with full heads of gray hair!  So far, my life is a miracle. I’m well past defying the odds of this cancer, according to the doctors and statistics. I know God is still in it and  I’m claiming this verse for dreams of the future.  

Isaiah 46:4 “Even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save.”

What do you need to trust God for today?