Right now as I sit listening to John Waller's song "While I'm Waiting" I take on a whole new meaning to the words. I find myself clinging to the words as he sings.
"I am waiting on you Lord, and I am hopeful. I'm waiting on you Lord, for it is painful, but patiently I will wait. I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience. While I'm waiting I will serve you, while I'm waiting I will worship, while I"m waiting, I will not fade. I'll be running the race, even while I wait. I am waiting on you Lord, and I am peaceful, I'm waiting on your Lord though its not easy, No,but faithfully I will wait."
I am humbled this week as people have reached out to me. I'm humbled by the way my husband has sacrificed for me. I'm humbled by the intimacy of this cancer and the situations I've had to walk through with doctors this week. I'm humbled by the way God has held my hand and helped me put one foot in front of the other through it all. Even now as I write I feel shaky and sick to my stomach. I'm surprised how weak my body is after this week's surgery and today's outing for a CAT scan. I feel in this moment that I'd like to crawl into a ball in my bed and wake up from this bad dream, and yet I realize just like in the words of John Waller's song above, I cannot fade. I have to run the race as real treatments haven't even begun.
As I walked down the hall to check in for surgery this week I looked at Billy and said, I don't want to do this after all. He took my hand firmly and together we kept walking. I look at myself at a positive person; one that can face difficulty bold and confident. But I felt afraid and had to keep walking down that hall with obedience, though it was not easy. We got the news today that the fluid sample they took came back benign. And I can't remember if I mentioned that the doctor's in Oklahoma also found the ECC and Pap tests to be benign. My ovaries and uterus looked good in the surgery. I find I'm having to focus on these things to feel blessed and rejoice that there is good in the hard moments.
Today I very slowly and sorely made my way to have another CAT scan. I felt at peace about this until I get there and realized today was when they would determine how I would lay in the machine every day when I go for radiation. They took pictures so that other techs would always place me in the exact same position. They marked my body with red and black to show where the radiation would need to work. They stickered me as a marker in the scan images. I found myself tense and shaky; unable to let my mind or body relax. I was genuinely afraid.
I grabbed a devotional book this morning that ask me to read Romans 8: 26-28,31. I didn't know I needed this verse at the time, but it came to me again tonight as I try to shuffle through my thoughts.
"And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us?"
Tonight I find it difficult to know how to pray, for I am humbled how much I need our Savior. So I pray the words of the song above; that I am able to wait patiently, be hopeful, be bold and confident, taking every difficult step in obedience...all while I worship and praise the Savior that is FOR ME and holds my hand.