Since my last post, which I admit was way too long ago, I've walked through the widest array of emotions. Impatience - as my surgery recovery was much slower than expected. Anger - as I woke up one week after surgery with throbbing pain in my right leg so instead of a morning of Christmas shopping with my husband we took our date to the hospital for an ultrasound and to the lab for yet more blood work. Thankful - as we learned I did not have the blood clot as suspected and my hemoglobin had rebuilt to the low end of normal allowing my energy to finally come back. Annoyed - thinking that the treatment planning process is taking forever. Joyful - spending the holidays with family and successfully hosting our first holiday meal in our home. Relief - That my nephew was improving every single day after his surgery and suffering from Staph.
Belief - As my brother-in-law had triple by-pass heart surgery and although we got a complete scare during the surgery prayers were answered and his heart responded allowing him to now be safe at home. Peace - As I celebrated the birth of our Savior. Happiness - As I watched our kids open a box with a new Shih-Tzu Puppy inside. Anxiety - As I listened to other radiation/chemo patients talking about their side effects in the doctor's lobby today. Laughter - When I told other people about the grumpy patient smacking his cane around on things in the lobby. He was not a patient I'd like to see every single day for weeks at a time! Loved - By so many who sent cards, e-mails, facebook messages and texts showing me their support over the last couple weeks.
Honestly, I've learned that my emotions may change by the hour as I continue to wait for treatments to begin. On one hand I'm anxious to get started and on the other hand I'm scared of the unknown.
I've learned that chemotherapy has a much simpler planning process and my Med-Onc only needs about 30 minutes notice to prepare everything for my treatment. On the other hand radiation normally takes a full 2 weeks to prepare and although no one is admitting it, I think mine's taken a bit longer as people have been enjoying the holidays. The Med-Onc works it, physics people work it, a group I can't even pronounce work it and then it comes back to the Med-Onc. Today I learned that a radiation technologist will call me either tomorrow or Thursday morning when my final file is expected complete and I should begin radiation treatment tomorrow afternoon or Thursday of this week.
I know that God gives us what we need in his perfect timing and in the nick of time. On the afternoon of Dec. 23rd feeling defeated that I would never feel good enough to enjoy the preparations of Christmas, or even the holiday itself, I suddenly got a new burst of energy that sustained right through Christmas. I was certainly not feeling like myself, but I was able to enjoy the moment and actually do some of the shopping and prep myself. I saw clearly a gift of energy from God; the thing I needed the most at the time. God knows what we need and He wants us to ask Him for help. During the church service this last Sunday we read this verse John 14:13-14 "You can ask for anything in my name and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!"
AMEN! I'm counting on it!