Thursday, January 6, 2011

Well, its "Go" time....Finally and Already

Everyone has that event or occasion in their life that they are so anxious for; counting down the number of days until it's finally time.  Then, on the other hand when it arrives you aren't quite ready; thinking of all the things you still need to accomplish or prepare first.  This makes me think of Christmas.  There is so much hype getting in the spirit, shopping, wrapping, baking, decorating and you can't wait for the time with family and then suddenly you realize its time and the stress settles in because you still have a list of to do's and company is about to arrive.  This was my Christmas this year anyway and it feels a bit the same when I think of my upcoming treatment. 

Last week I realized the doctors weren't ready to begin treatment and I felt annoyed because I'm ready.  I want it to be "time".  I want to get started and see God's goodness through it all.  I want to be on the other side of this celebrating life with my friends and family.  Tuesday I went in again, thinking they'd tell me it is finally time, but instead they said probably Thursday.  I was frustrated, asking myself why this is taking so long.  I told the nurse I'd been wearing my "marks" and "tape" for 17 days and they said it would only take 14.  She smiled, of course, and explained again what a process it is to plan radiation.

Today I had still heard nothing by 9:45 am so I called.  They said they still aren't ready and maybe it would be Tuesday next week.  The physics and dosimetry teams were building two plans on two different machines for the doctor to review. They wanted to make sure they could successfully treat the cancer and threatened areas and still safe as much healthy tissue and organs as possible.  On one hand I was relieved because my list of to-do's was way too long to fit an appointment in, but on the other hand I was irritated and impatient.  When I realize it has been 2 full months on Sunday since my first surgery it feels like they are being very slow about this. However, as my dad reminded me today, we have prayed that God would lead the doctors and that He would intercede on my behalf to get the very best treatment with the least possible short and long term side effects.  I believe that my doctors are doing their job to ensure that this is the best scenario for me and so I come back full circle to peace and thankfulness. 

Late this afternoon I received the call.  My mind has mixed emotions;  Whew, finally!...and...Oh my word, already? 

I opened my little desk bible this afternoon and right away I saw this verse..."She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." (Prov 31:25)  What a privilege to have a God that speaks directly to our hearts in a very personal way.  As humbling as it may be to share these specifics, I will, because you and I both need to know that God knows our innermost hopes and fears and if we spend time with Him we'll hear Him.  One of the biggest concerns about my specific radiation plan is that I don't get to be clothed and laying in a comfortable position during treatment. I will feel small, vulnerable; like a child with no voice. There is no part of this that feels dignified or funny.  But you know what?  God tells me that I won't be clothed in cotton or cashmere, but I will be clothed in strength and dignity.   My life mission is that I can laugh at myself and find joy in all things.  God tells me that I will laugh at the days to come.  My joy will not be zapped by this hard season of life.  I ask that you my friends and family will pray this verse for me on Tuesday, 1/11 at 9:45 when I have my first radiation appointment.

After this first appointment, I will have a standing appointment every week day at 3:45 pm for radiation.  I will see the radiation doctor every Monday following my treatment.  I should hear from the chemo doctor (Med-Onc) tomorrow to get that appointment scheduled for next week as well.

Thank you again for everyone's prayers, cards, e-mails, texts, facebook messages, blog messages, etc.  It is more encouraging than you know to hear from you.


  1. I am committing to pray for you at 9:45 next Tuesday and at 3:45 thereafter. I love to see God holding you in the palm of His hand and whispering His promises straight to your heart. Know we are here if you need anything. We love you!

  2. You do feel small and vulnerable getting radiation, Kristi. When I was doing it, I laid in there on the form that was made to hold me in just the right position, bald and scared.

    I prayed and said this verse over and over and you know what? It was OK after all.

    Phil. 4 verses 6 and 7

    Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

    I love you and you are going to come out the other side. Soon this will all be in the past, and maybe you will have the opportunity to encourage someone else who feels small and scared.


  3. Hi Kristi.

    I have been immersed at work since Wednesday - 14-15 hour days and just a little time for sleeping. But no time for computers. But guess what? God told my heart you were in need. You were never far from my thoughts or my prayers, and it started some time on Thursday morning. Isn't God good?

    We have a God who understands our weaknesses and infirmities. He wants nothing more than to take us through the hard times wrapped in His love and protection. Think of how much you love your precious children. Is there anything you would not do for them if they were in need? I don't think so. And yet we know that what we feel for our children is nothing compared to the love of our Savior for us.

    I would take this road from you if I could because I am human, and I cannot truly comprehend the incredible, eternal plans of the Father. So I trust Him for you. And I trust the Holy Spirit to guide my prayers and to intercede on your behalf. What a blessing to know that we only need lay it all at the cross and let Jesus bear the load.

    I love you,

  4. Kristi... I keep thinking about the thought that we are clothed in Strength and dignity which has launched me to thinking about other verses where God says he clothes us -- and what a wonderful metaphor for you in this season of your life.. here are just a few favorites that I liked when thinking of you today.... during your first day of radiation....

    Psalm 30:11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
    you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy

    Romans 13:14a Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ,

    Gen 3:21 The LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.

    Prov 31:22b She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

    xoxo my sweet sister - I know God has not said He would take this cup from you... but He promises to never leave you nor forsake you!

  5. Thinking about you Kristi!! My prayers are with you!!