Do you know Him? How I pray you do. I couldn't face today or any other day without Him. He guides. He Provides. He lifts me up. He lights my steps. He understands. He extends mercy and courage, grace and comfort.
I've experienced Him in all these ways before, but as you heal and get better it feels more difficult to go back to the intimately known territory than brings pain, sickness, loss, humility and hardship all around you. I know the look in my husbands eyes when he's hurting for me. I hear the pain in my Daddy's voice. I see the determination and courage in my siblings features. I see the disappointment and confusion in my children. I feel the warm concern of my Mama. I experience the generosity of so many through food, visits, messages and cards, financial gifts and tokens to bring me joy and entertainment. It's all too familiar this time, but yet it's not.
I have been through chemo before, and dealt with extreme fatigue and nausea, even losing half of my hair post surgery. Yet, the visual that I'm sick once again was a hard hit, while also spending 4 days in bed this weekend.
I felt so terrible on Saturday I knew we should cut my hair off as half of it was gone, but I didn't have the mental or physical capacity. Sunday night as I showered another 1/4 of my hair washed out and left matted tangles that my mom came to brush out as I struggled with nausea and vomiting around midnight. Still my hair was matted again with no repair Monday morning. My sisters, Amy & Katy, came to do the dreaded dead of shaving my head. They were so brave and gentle. They helped me dress and go get fluids and anti nausea meds in my new wig. Billy says he thinks I'm beautiful on the inside and that makes me beautiful on the outside too. He's so sweet to me. Alyssa wanted to see my bald head and touch it and talk about it while she tried on my wig and danced around looking fabulous! Isaiah says he likes the wig and knows he'll get used to it like a new hair cut, but he's not ready to see my bald head yet. He holds my hand, at almost 13, and says he just knows I'll feel better tomorrow. I can see the hope to encourage me in his young eyes.
My body may ache and sickness may rule over the day, but my heart is full. I am treated like the daughter of The King. I may not be happy, but Joy is mine to claim. I fight to choose it each day. This day more difficult to express outwardly, but it's there in my heart, where He lives.
Yesterday as Katy and I shared a silent tear over the top of your head as we worked I tried to decipher how I felt. I felt sad (and a wee bit mad) that cancer was taking something else from you. It has already cost you so much, you don't even feel like a shell of your old self. I felt grateful that we could do that for you so you didn't have to do it alone, that we could share in that moment. I felt the absence of Danina and Josh, I missed them being there with us, like the moment wasn't fully complete. I felt thankful that God (and our parents) gave us one another to walk side by side in life's moments, I felt the secure in the gift of family. I felt God's peace wash over us in that sacred moment, we were not doing it alone, He was carrying us all. Later as we sat on the couch and I saw your smile return and your eyes come alive again, I felt God's grace, His Smile upon you, You are His child, whom He loves, and the JOY of the LORD radiated through you, it is in the fiber of your being and not something that cancer can ever rob from you. You were beautiful. Thank you that you never stop reaching out for HIS hand to guide you. Thank you for always wrestling out the tougher issues with the Lord and allowing Him to sustain you. My heart feels content because I know that the matters of your heart are settled and that your trust lies in no one else but your Heavenly Father. "Hope dances in the puddles til the sun comes out again" Thank you for being willing to dance. Love you much my sister, friend. xoxo
ReplyDeleteAwww Amy. I love to capture the other side of this. Love you much too.
DeleteBeautifully said, Amy! Thank you for sharing this profound event.
DeleteKristi Dawn - I am so proud of the choices you make over and over to believe God in the hard times. God is glorified and you are strengthened.
Love yous!