Make My Heart Believe

2016's first trip to MD Anderson was a painful reminder of how our human will doesn't always align with the sovereign will of our Heavenly Father.

I never felt at ease about getting miraculous results, but I willed myself to believe that it was possible...again....this time.  I'm sure you've had a situation where you prayed, but never felt the sense of peace and relief that can come with it.  I had convinced myself that it was fear creeping into my mind because of so many others battling health issues and getting bad news.  They are good people.  They pray and believe God can answer their prayers too.

My scans showed that there is no new signs of cancer anywhere in the body and most of the metastatic cancer nodes in my lungs had not grown either!  This is the fantastic news that we remind ourselves to be grateful for.  Yet, two lung spots did grow and one even doubled in size in the last 3 months.  The spots are tiny so that the largest is still only 1.5 cm large, but our will, our prayer, was that these spots were dead, and they are definitely not. The chemo didn't hold off growth as long as we had hoped so now we are searching for a clinical trial once again; all knowing there is still no cure for the KRAS gene mutation in which I carry.

I cried in the doctor's office when thinking about telling my kids this news.  There would be more cancer to fight, not only in my future, but my kids future.  I loathe the idea that they will remember childhood as a time when mom fought cancer.  I know, your instinct will want to encourage me, reminding me how my children are learning about the Lord through this battle.  This is true. They are wiser and have a deeper faith and relationship with God than I did at their age and for that I am so thankful.  I have a deeper relationship than I ever knew possible.  I realize how much my husband loves me and is committed to our marriage and our family. My family has grown closer, we are more authentic friends, more authentic, gracious and empathetic people.  For all these things I am thankful.  Yet, I grieve that we are still facing more cancer so soon.  I grieve that we watch a movie where a parent dies and we all cry and snuggle a little closer hoping that isn't us someday.

In the midst of it all I'm re-reading a book I was given back in 2010 after my first diagnosis with Vaginal Adenocarcinoma.  The book is called Psalm 91 God's Umbrella of Protection by Peggy Joyce Ruth.  I'm reminded that I serve a God that had made a way for us in every circumstance. He covers our external and internal fears for ourselves and our family with his protection and love. God knew there would be many kinds of hurts in this life and speaks to each one so personally.

Therefore, I will not be afraid of the pestilence that stalks in the darkness. My God offers protection for my family as well, not just for myself.  May He continue to mold me until my will matches His.

As the praise song says, I pray,  "In all my sorrows, Jesus is better - make my heart believe."