A Masterpeice

Exhilarating. Overwhelming. Thankful. Frustrating. Peaceful. Anxious. 

These conflicting words represent my time since my last post.  It's been so long I feel I have a lot of things to say, but there is no way to cram it all into one post. 

To say that this summer was amazing would be an understatement.  I so wanted to LIVE and EXPERIENCE that I pushed myself to seize the moment, but did very little of what I typically do during summer.  I love keeping up my gardens and my deck and patio.  I tend to jump into Fall decorating as soon as August 1st rolls around and I know my neighbors won't stare oddly at my fall leaves and pumpkins in the 90 degree weather.  Somehow this summer, though full of great "moments", was not filled with normal quite yet.  However, I've asked myself if the previous "normal" is what I really want back.  Some of it, absolutely!  Like my full energy and endurance, fewer aches and pains, perhaps the lack of hot flashes and other menopausal type symptoms! Yet, in other ways the old "normal" may not be what I want at all. 

I met a group of ladies recently that shared their incredible cancer journeys with me.  I'll keep the details of their stories private, but one common thread was shared among all women, no matter what type of cancer she had.  There was a new "normal" and albeit it be one that includes new aches, pains and annoyances; it is also one that is full of a new appreciation for authenticity.  It's one that is amazed at God's presence in times of trouble and how personal and intimate He can be.  It is a soul that longs to feel that closeness to God again; a closeness you only feel when you need to be cradled and carried by our Savior.  The new normal wants to hug on our children more often, love our husbands more openly, appreciate our family and friends always.  These are all good changes I don't want to give back.

Earlier this summer I stood in a Colorado meadow looking out at the most beautiful crystal lake nestled in the mountains.  There were wild flowers blooming all over the mountainside and the sun was shining just perfectly creating a 360 degree masterpiece.  It took my breath away to witness how God took such care in creating this view with the perfect blend of colors, textures and depth so that nothing worked alone, but instead complimented everything else around it.  The boldly colored wild flowers might have been overpowering without the soft hue of gray and deep green surrounding it through foliage.  Our bodies are the same way, with each specific part complimenting the other so that all together God created a unique masterpiece in each one of us. One that again takes my breath away as I learn all the intricate details of my cells, blood vessels, lymph nodes, joints and muscles.  It is amazing how when one part is damaged the symptoms signify the toll taken on all the others. 



I had my 6 month check-up yesterday and as I spewed out all my various symptoms I laughed because I really don't feel like I'm doing that bad!  The doctor actually said she was glad I was impatiently wanting to get back to normal and that there were things she could recommend to help.  Thank goodness! 

Here are some symptoms I shared and what my sweet doctors are doing to help.

·         Water retention and lack of circulation/ lymph nodes in the groin area feel “bark-like” – Provided me with some massage and stretching techniques to do 3-4 times each week to help move the fluid through my lymph node system where some glands are not working properly due to external beam radiation.

·         Hip and muscle pain – Referred me to a physical therapist to learn some exercises and stretches that may help strengthen and loosen up this area after radiation. 

·         As mentioned my cancer was very hormonally driven (74% estrogen cells in the lesion removed) and I’m also struggling with menopausal weight gain and water weight – Referred me to a nutritionist to help understand what to eat/drink more or less of and the impact it may have on all aspects/symptoms. 

·         I’ve had some very light bleeding with use of the dilator and the doctors found two dark spots on the back 1/3 of  the Vaginal wall and one dark spot on the cervix.  Both doctors believe this looks like new blood vessels that are developing in the tissue as everything heals.  However, they took a biopsy of the one on the cervix so we know for sure what they are.  They will call with these results when they get them.

·         I’m having pain in my upper abdomen and there is also a small area of activity that showed up on my last scan in late June.  They believe the pain could be scar tissue and or adhesions caused from the radiation and various surgeries.  They believe the scan activity is post operation inflammation.  However, they are scheduling my next scan and will get to me with the dates later this week.  I will have my scans done locally.

I feel blessed to have some suggestions as I continue to take daily steps forward in this "new" normal!   God knows all about this masterpiece and exactly what I need!  He created it after all!

Scan Results - June 29th

It has been several weeks and every time I sit to write on this blog I have absolutely no words.  I've found it frustrating and disturbing.  For now I will just share my first words written in a notebook when the doctor called June 29th to share the good results of my scan.

"I find that in this moment the realness of the situation settles in.  I find that I can't shut off the tears.  Why would I cry in a happy moment as this?  It's the undeserved grace and gift that I've been given.  It's the fact that God CHOSE to heal me, for now at least.  I have done nothing to deserve this and I'm humbled that I have been given a gift that so many are not given.  Why?"

Scan Update

Our first day back from vacation Billy and I woke up early and began the familiar 40 minute drive to the oncology offices we were frequenting daily during my treatment.  The drive was quite because we were tired, but also because there were not words for this moment.

As I've mentioned my nerves have not been high while waiting for this day, but on the eve of the scan in the dark of our bedroom we both laid awake much longer than usual.  My family and friends supported me as they always have with words of encouragement nestled around scriptures and written prayers.  After reading these things on my phone Billy and I were hand in hand as he prayed and we drifted to sleep.

I was the first patient Tuesday morning, which ended up being good for a couple of reasons.  First, I didn't have time to think about anything once I arrived, and secondly the lobby was empty.  If you've sat in the lobby of an oncology office it can be both a nervous and heartbreaking experience as there are people there in all stages of their cancer journey.  Some nervously waiting for their results and treatment plan and other visibly not feeling well during treatment.  I find that I want to know these people's stories and I want to encourage them somehow, but everyone sits quietly thinking of their own situation.  I was ushered back so quickly this day it wouldn't have mattered, except for the clear reminder to where I was.

I was so happy to find that the doctor didn't require another CT scan so I didn't have to drink that horrible slimy drink.  The PET scan requires that I have an IV, which had been very difficult after chemo began.  I prayed specifically that they would get it in on the first try and that it would drip.  Sure enough, it hurt as they fed it into the vein, but it was done in one try and I was instantly relieved.  Saline, radioactive sugars, more saline and then I sat in my recliner for 45 minutes as the fluids made their way through my body.  After a required trip to the bathroom I laid down with my arms above my head for the scan.  The next thing I knew a man was telling me he'd help me up and that we were all done.  Prayers were answered as I was so calm I fell asleep.

The images are being sent to all my doctors and I should have a follow up appointment very soon.  I will update when I know more, but for now here are some of the very encouraging words sent to me.  I hope they will encourage you as well.

Is. 46 "Even in your old age and gray hairs I am He.  I am He who will sustain you.  I have mad you and I will carry you through.  I will sustain you and I will rescue you." He is going to sustain you and carry you through to old age and gray hairs! 

"May your healing hand be upon Kristi and may the results bring cheers of gladness when these tests show she is cancer free!  Thank you for your goodness in the midst of the storm."

"You have a lot of love walking with you!  Praying peace of mind for you soon.  Praying with you to hear cancer free!"


Waiting for radioactive fluids to move thru my body.

 Phil 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Praying this peace finds you and you are comforted.  You will walk away from this a stronger and bolder woman and will be a huge testimony for others.  We will be partying and praising our heavenly father soon.

"I prayed from 6:40 - 7:00 this morning that you will walk away from this free from any cancer cells and that God will use this battle in your life to help and encourage others in their walk with Him."

"Praying for a good nights rest for you and peace for your appointment, for both you and Billy."

"I am sitting alone in the love seat in our living room and I was on my knees at my bed earlier thanking God that HE gave us all the assurance and peace last November that you would be alright today and tomorrow and the days of your future."

"Praying for you today and definitely praying for cancer free!"

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."  Jesus started on this journey with you both and He is with you today.  He will finish with you.  Tell Satin not to play with your mind trying to rob you of the peace and joy God wants to give you in this experience. I believe God has healed you and given you the desire of your heart. Given you and your family the opportunity to honor, glorify and praise Him.

"I'm wearing my purple too!!"

Jer. 33:6 "Behold I will bring health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them abundance and peace." Father I pray this over Kristi and Billy.  Grant her a cancer free life and may they take this experience and live the abundant life you have for them according to your purposes and always for your glory!

Today's Scan

This morning I'm going to get another PET scan and CT scan.  This is my "after treatment" scan to tell us if I'm cancer free!  Please pray for my family and I today.  We all feel very good about the treatment, but will be anxious for the follow-up appointment with results.  This appointment isn't scheduled quite yet.  Thanks again for your prayers. 

8 Weeks Later

It is hard to believe it has been eight weeks since my last treatment.  In my mind it is fresh as if it just happened, but my energy tells me otherwise.  I've been back to work for almost 7 weeks now and it has felt very difficult most of the time.  I realized that I had been putting all I had into fighting this disease and getting through treatment and then coming back to work I had to put all I had into getting back on top of my business.  This left me exhausted and wishing for my bed by 7:00 pm.  It has just been the last 10 days or so that I've felt like it is all getting easier.  This week I've worked all day and then still had the energy to make dinner and then banana bread with my kids.  Yesterday I shopped some after work and then came home to make a birthday cake for my mother-in-law and I could do it.  If you've ever been through chemo and radiation you know how refreshing it is to have the energy to do simple things that once came easily. My hope now is that I can build some strength back in my legs as they still hurt or tire easily with activity.  I'm not up for riding my bike or doing squats quite yet, but I may begin walking around the neighborhood.

I am still waiting to have a scan scheduled.  Oddly, I'm not nervous or uneasy about the results, but I am beginning to dread going back to the radiation office and drinking that awful Pet-Scan stuff.  I should get an appointment mid-June and then I'll follow up with a Dr appointment to get the results.  The great news is that my appointments in Oklahoma City went very well.  Both doctors believe I am healing as well as possible and there are no signs of complications at this point. They both agreed that they would have deemed my exams completely normal , so there was no evidence of this enhanced ridge that has been evident before.  This was wonderful news to Billy and I, as you can imagine.  Perhaps this is why I feel at peace while waiting for the scan, but I believe God grants us peace in any circumstance if our eyes are fixed on Him.  (Isaiah 26:3)  My prayer is that my mind would stay focused on Him and that I would allow Him to lead me as I move forward.  There are decisions to make around medications, follow-up appointments and finances that you could pray for as well. 

Thank you for checking in.  I so appreciate all of you.

Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you,all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

One Month Later

One month ago today I finished my treatment plan.  I'm sorry if it seems I finished and then just stopped communicating.  I've wanted to share how things are going, but every time I begin to write the words just aren't there.  Physically I am healing more every day.  My legs were so weak for the first couple of weeks I could hardly make myself get out of bed and leave my bedroom.  My mind was fuzzy and overall I didn't feel good.  Now I feel more like myself every day and am able to go through a fairly normal daily routine.  I think this is partly what feels difficult.  It feels so odd to have my life, and many other's lives, revolve around doctor's appointments, treatments, hospital visits and then suddenly it is just over.  The physical hurdle is behind me, but there seems to be an emotional hurdle that I have to deal with. 

I feel so much gratitude to my Savior as He held me close for 5 1/2 months and gave me the strength and peace I've been able to carry most of the time.  I'm grateful to my husband who has held our life together and provided as much normal as possible for our children.  I'm grateful to so many who have given us the gift of prayer along the way; and to those of you who have helped with practical things like meals, gas cards, cash, child-care, housekeeping, groceries and paper goods.  I know without a doubt this process was much easier because you were willing to sacrifice and help us get through it. So when I start to feel frustrated, impatient or discouraged I've realized it is because there is  no closure.  Perhaps this is an odd way to feel after going through so much and being on this side feeling pretty good, but I've realized I'm just waiting to hear "You are cancer free!" These words will help bring closure to all of this in a way that allows me to celebrate and get over this mental hurdle!

I go back to Oklahoma City this Wednesday to meet with my Rad-Onc and Gyn-Onc there.  They previously told me that I would need to wait at least two months for the inflammation in my body to go away.  If there is inflammation the scan could show a false positive for cancer.  I know that my body isn't healed yet because of many little symptoms I deal with each day, but hopefully they'll give me a better idea of how things are going this week.  I'll update more after this appointment, but in the mean time wanted to let you know I'm doing better every day and greatly appreciate all your notes and cards asking about us.

It's Because of You!

A high school friend gave me this adorable purple book with the encryption "Believe" on the front cover.  This is a book of inspirational quotes and one many are familiar with by Mother Teresa.

"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish He didn't trust me so much."

There's another quote by Bruce Barton.

"Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared  believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance."

Going into my treatment last week I knew that my mind would be tested.  I would lie alone in a room, while in pain and discomfort, and battle many emotions, thoughts, ideas. I know the verse in 1 Cor 10:13 that says God will give me what I need to endure anything that tempts me.  In this case God would need to give me control of my mind so that Satan could not make it his playground. 

I don't know if you've ever been alone with your thoughts during a difficult time and realized how Satan can play with our minds to infiltrate doubt, worry, fear, discontentment, self pity, etc.  Usually when this has happened to me I've been able to get up and go play with the kids, work on a project, piddle in my garden.....anything to get my mind busy on something else.  This was not the circumstance where I could run away.  I had to depend on the foundation of my faith  and the belief that this faith was superior to my circumstance.  It was a circumstance that God did not save me from; He allowed me to face it for whatever reason.

Right before my treatment began, at about 2 pm a week ago Tuesday my husband and sister, Amy, kissed and hugged me good-bye.  As I watched them walk away I thought I might not be able to breath.  They were both so upset and I knew it was harder on them than I.  They had to walk away and go on with normal life as they pictured me there.  I put on my brave face as the doctor explained how she was activating my internal radiation.  My husband drove to his parents house to care for our children.  Amy made the 3 1/2 hour trek home where she posted on my blog the details of Day 1 and put out a prayer challenge.

As I checked my phone I didn't realize this prayer challenge was in place, but I continued to get e-mails from people committed to pray for me and sending encouraging words my way.  All through the first night I read over these verses, words, commitments.  At 4:00 am my mom texted, saying "we're up, if you want to call".  I called right away and mom told me about the prayer challenge on my blog.  I watched your words roll in over the next two days via my blog comments and facebook and I know that my faith was strengthened to endure the 47 hours of treatment.  My spirits were lifted so I could smile and visit with the nurses and doctors that stopped in occasionally.  My hope was restored and renewed as I kept my mind focused on our Savior and His work through you.  It's because of you and your prayers that this treatment was easier than I expected.  If I could repay you I would, but for now all I have is a very humble and heartfelt...thank you!