I began referring to this cancer as a journey and what a journey it has been thus far. I have moments where I have more to say than I have the time and energy to document and share; then other times when there are no words to describe the deep emotion that wells up.
I have been so blessed to have the support of friends, family and neighbors through it all. Not one person has made me feel as if there is an expectation from me. No one has thought I should be happier, weaker, more sad or less sick. All have come together to show my family and I the purest sacrifice.....love and compassion and patience! You know who you are are I thank you from the bottom of my heart. My family is made better by knowing you.
I am sitting in the chemo room right now. I've had two bags of anti-nausea meds and I am half way through my bag of IV fluids before I get my Cisplatin and then one more bag of IV fluids before I go home from chemo #5. I am honored to have my sister, Katy, here with me today. She's been waiting her turn to come with me and asked me to give her one word on how I felt this morning going into today. My word was "exhausted". Her word was "supportive". I know that meals and child-care, cleaning, errands, kind words, etc doesn't feel supportive to everyone, but it all feels SO supportive to me!
This week things got a little hectic around the house. As soon as my sister, Danina, left to go back home my nephew got a stomach bug and was quarantined to his room. Alyssa got strep throat and was quarantined to her room. I had to push through and go into work for buyer meetings and work with my boss and team. My sister, Amy, drove all the way to my office to pick me up for treatment Thursday while Billy took care of sick Alyssa and she had to turn right around because her son's school called saying she had a sick kid too! With my blood cell counts a little out of whack causing a weakened immune system this all felt stressful. We had to remind ourselves that God is in control of all these details and is not surprised by anything that is happening.
I have been having real deep pain in my hips and in my left knee area, along with the full effects of radiation as it comes to the end. My sleep has been minimal and the discomfort is elevated in so many ways. I have been holding fluid in my abdomen and there can be a 3" difference in my belly measurements throughout the day. To say the least I do not feel like myself as a woman, mom, wife, employee, friend, anything. I wonder when I will feel like me? Some people have said 6 months, 1 year, 2 years. It is so varied. I read this quote, "You're the sum of all the things that came before this and all the things that will come after. You're more than what is happening to you right now. you always were and always will be". A good reminder for anyone going through life's hard moments. God designed us to be refined in this fire and come out better on the other side.
1 Peter 1:7 "These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor..."