And we’re dancing in the minefields
We’re sailing in the storm
This is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that’s what the promise is for
That’s what the promise is for
In the last couple weeks as my mind has just not been clear enough to put my thoughts, my feelings, my next steps into words I've asked myself what promise it is I'm clinging to? Aren't there so many promises and also so many needs?
One line in this song says; So when I lose my way, find me. Isn't this what we all want, no matter what our situation? Especially as a woman, I want to be sought out, looked for and really known. Ps 139:23 says "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." As this process gets more mundane and repetitive I've struggled to feel any emotion. The shock has worn off and the reality has now settled in, not only for me, but for family and friends. Although I still have surprises sometimes, like today, which I'll talk about in a minute, the reality of a daily 90 minutes drive to radiation is there. The reality that the chemo meds make me sleep too much, feel generally not well and have an unclear mind at times is ever present. However, I cling to the belief that our God would take the time and put forth effort to search my heart, test me, and know my anxious thoughts through this entire process. Ps 139:1 says "You have looked deep into my heart Lord, and You know all about me." There is a promise. When I lose my way, not even comprehending my own emotions, needs, fears or wants He has already found me and knows all of it. Nothing is a surprise to Him!
I've had a horrible time getting my IV fluids, drawing blood and getting chemo treatments because my veins keep blowing out or collapsing. I have never had this problem before, but yesterday I went in to have blood drawn and they had to try twice because I wouldn't bleed. I don't even understand that. I prick my finger and bleed enough for a band-aide, but when I need to there is not a drop to be had. After this the doctor and I discussed something called a Picc line. For those of you who know someone who's had cancer or another ongoing illness you may be familiar with this, if not here's a quick link. http://www.cpmc.org/learning/documents/nur-piccline-ws.html
Although it was clearly the best decision I was extra nervous over this procedure, because I've gotten so many bad experiences lately. I got a call this morning at 8:30 to be to the hospital by 10:00 am to have this inserted. I took a 1/2 ativan before I walked in just to help calm my nerves. I have to say there was a cath tech named Clay that did the procedure and he was wonderful as was his assistant, Deb. God knew I was anxious and although I found it hard to pray I had so many texts and e-mails that I was covered in prayer and they worked because it went off without a hitch and made my chemo SO much easier to get going this afternoon. Thank you to my prayer warriors.
So, the next part of the song says,
So there’s nothing left to fear
So I’ll walk with you in the shadow lands
Till the shadows disappear
Cause he promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
Is 43:1b-3a is this promise.
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God"
He knows me...He searches me....He understands my needs and thoughts..... and he promises WHEN the trials come I will not overtaken! When we had our house fire 4 years ago I saw this promise loud and true in our lives as we literally were not burned and were not set ablaze. There is no doubt in my mind that this promise is just as true today as it was then. This will not overcome me. I have no idea how to sail, let alone in a storm, but I'm planning a victory lap on a sunny day this Spring!