Starting out with a big Ugh is probably not the way I should go, but it is a more honest reflection of my mood today than not.
I was so encouraged by this last week-end following chemo #3. I could feel that it was easier to make it through the days and I'd found little tricks to help me drink more fluids and be more engaged, even alert. Although tiring I made little rice crispy treat football jerseys and footballs with the kids for Superbowl and enjoyed it! I wondered to myself why I was feeling so much better and really decided the extra IV fluids and medication schedule was working. Maybe my body was getting used to this more! As of Tuesday I was happy, thankful, blessed by so many.
In my last entry I admittedly said that I wasn't feeling many swaying emotions, I wasn't even certain of what to pray as my real "need" of the moment. This emotional numbness feels difficult to me; as I've said before I feel deeply and I often send up even "two word" prayers all day long. The verse in Romans 8:26 says "If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans." Although I wasn't at a stage of sighing and groaning He was praying; interceding on my behalf as many of you were and I could feel it working. Now I feel Ugh and I might even be sighing and groaning. The ups and downs of this disease is so real and I know it is a challenge for those who watch and support me.
I got a wonderful little book as a gift last week and the author Melvina Young writes this.
"When a beloved relative and a couple of dear friends of mine were diagnosed, I wanted desperately to offer words of encouragement and hope. I wanted to express my love and support. Instead, I found myself at a loss for what to say. They were scared and I was scared for them. Plus, as absurd as it seems given the circumstances, I was worried that I might say the wrong thing...and sometimes I did. Still, the message I got back from my loved ones was, "I'd rather have you say something and risk saying it badly, than say nothing like this wasn't happening to me."
I started wondering what someone who's heard "It's cancer" needed family and friends to say. I started listening more closely to those people. They said things like " I don't know why this is happening. I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm sick, but I don't need pity. I'm still the same person and I need the same love from the people around me."
I tried to recognize many of the widely ranging feelings fighting cancer can bring up. One moment a person might feel like a warrior, ready to face the battle head-on, but in the next wanting to retire to a private island on the outer banks of imagination. Sometimes that same person might be overjoyed by all the love shown by supporters, but in the next unaccountably angry with everybody and everything."
What a perfect summary of my thoughts right now. One day I'm up, the next I'm down and as so many people want to help and understand how I'm doing I find it hard to take you on my roller coaster ride just for the pure reason that I know it is hard to understand and to watch.
Tuesday I pushed through work and personal stuff all day long and thought I'd done well. Wednesday I was in my PJ's the entire day laying in my bed wishing I could just hit the reset switch and start over again. Everything about me was tired and achy....weary. Today I'm frustrated as my treatment was canceled yesterday and today due to snow and so now I'm pushed back another 2 days before this is over. I'm not feeling well and I have to fit blood tests, radiation and chemo #4 all in tomorrow.
In the end though I know that, like the author, Young, says.....I would rather be doing this with all of your support than not so I'm here honestly laying down the sighs of my heart. This verse comes to mind and I'm thankful for you.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Ecc 4:9-10
Thank you for being here when I need to laugh, to cry, or even to kick my feet.