Thursday, February 25, 2016

Will I reach dry land?

As a young girl I loved to play in the river that wound peacefully through our little mountain town. Sometimes we'd make it a big event, gathering all our inner-tubes and friends to charge into the freezing waters without hesitation.  Other times we'd spontaneously pull the car over, pile our socks and shoes on the river bank and wade in feeling every rock and current against our bare feet and legs. Once I got more used to the cold water I loved to prove I could wade across the deeper and faster currants without being swept away.  As the water became more rapid in places I'd make my stance wider and wider leaning into the rapids to fight back against the pressure of being knocked down. Sometimes the rapids would knock down the people right beside me and I'd focus more intently and take more deliberate steps navigating my way across.  One steady, careful step at a time. How rewarding it felt to make it safely across to dry land.

Today I can picture myself in this place. I'm standing in the middle of a strong and fast river currant while the bone chilling water laps repeated pressure against my legs and feet.  The continual force overtakes other waders and I feel afraid as they're knocked down and swept away on all sides of me.  I desperately work to plant my feet more firmly, widen my stance to be stronger, raise my arms up to have more height and balance against the rapid current. I am working so hard I can't even look toward the dry land.

Yesterday, my scans showed that not only are the same 2 cancer spots growing, but 6 more spots are growing now as well.  As hard as this is, it still leaves us in the same place of searching for a clinical trial. This morning my local doctor confirmed that I do qualify to be part of the local Kras gene mutation trial, but now it doesn't begin until May. I have two other Immunotherapy trials that I will be tested for.  They require a lot of medical records, cancer tissue samples, blood work and a physical.  The trials are located in Maryland and can take 4 weeks to gather, review and approve/disprove. So it means an April or May start date again.  However, if I begin a chemotherapy regiment to help keep the cancer from growing or spreading it will mean that I cannot immediately begin a trial that may come up earlier because there is a 4 week "no treatment" period prior to the trial start date.  Some trials are high risk, high reward.  Some are low risk, low reward.  What is the right trial for me right now?

The water is rising.  The fear of falling is real. This continual force has unfairly swept others away. I am reminded that the constant pressure of this bone chilling currant requires a wider stance. I ask others to stand strong next to me and help lean into the constant pressure. Our feet must be firmly planted in God's word and His promises.  We shall lift our hands up high in prayer to keep our balance. We will focus intently, taking deliberate careful steps toward dry ground.

I don't know if I'll ever make it across, but I am certain I will not stop trying.

"If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.  But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Ecc. 4:10,12

"You gave a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip." Psalm 18:36

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:14

"For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding." Col. 1:9


  1. Peace, prayers, good medicine, and trials somewhere soon.

  2. Oh my . . . there are no words. There is only God and His loving plan for you. I am thankful that you do not stand alone. I love you, and I am praying for God to bring about His absolute best in your life.

    "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord will give grace and glory; No good thing will He withhold From those who walk uprightly." Psalm 84:11

  3. I'm not as consistent as I should be with reading scripture but before I went to bed last night, I read the verse of the day from my YouVersion app - Prov. 18:10. It read:
    The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe.

    I hope this blesses you and hope you know you are loved and we all are with you. Our bodies, this all fails but the Lord never does. Keep fighting and keep allowing the Lord use you to inspire and encourage others who are dealing with life and all that comes with it. We will be praying for you, Billy and your precious kids.

    1. Thanks Kunta! Really good to hear from you. Love hearing from people who knew me well before all of this cancer "stuff"! Appreciate the encouragment as well. Bless you and yours.

  4. Praying with you my friend. You are fighting so well. Love you and your sweet family.
    Sarah s

  5. Once again you bring a Christian reality/perspective to our lives which is often lost in our daily pursuits...I thank God upon every remembrance of you. With Love, Sue and Family